The Egyptian god of fertility

Caleb is into Egyptian artifacts, gods, and hieroglyphics. He knows an unfathomable amount about the stories behind the main gods and goddesses. He can tell you which one is who in old art. It's really rather amazing how much information he can spew forth at any given time.

So, he and I spent a good hour this evening, just looking up different Egyptian things and he'd tell me the back story. It was educational to say the least. He even has a favorite pharaoh...Ramses II.

He decided I should look up the Egyptian god of fertility. I knew, by his giggle, that he was up to no good.

Wow.

Min (as he was known) was apparently a dwarf of sorts. Um...except for "that certain part of the male anatomy"!

Old art even shows him...um...standing proud...

We discussed how nakedness in Egyptian art is commonplace...but society today often considers the human body a "bad" thing when naked. It was actually a good conversation.

But, we did laugh over the phallus of Min...who perhaps should have been "Max" instead.

Caleb reveled in the delight that one day, he could have a "rocket" like Min. He was, however, disturbed by the fact that Min had no "boys". He said that would be like "losing my best friends."

Hormones...

I thought they were bad for women.

EEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKK!


And for your viewing pleasure...a statue of "Min" (aka Max)

True Story

I figured, since Kiya is no longer with us, that I'd ask the next door neighbor if her doberman, Nas, wanted the rest of the rawhide bones and food we had left.

I kept watching for them to come out. I usually saw Nas every day. I told the boys to let me know if they saw him out or saw the parents.

Days went by.

See, Nas and Kiya were neighbors for 7 years. The boys always thought that Kiya had a crush on Nas. They thought it was fun to pretend they were married. It seemed fitting that her "spouse" should get what was left of her treats and food.

I finally saw Pam today. I stopped her and said "Does Nas eat rawhide?" She said "Nas isn't with us anymore."

:(

Nas was put down on Friday. He had a huge tumor behind his left eye. He started having seizures on Wednesday night and they put him down on Friday.

I told her that Kiya died on Tuesday.

It's a really odd twist of fate that they both died within days of the other. We sort of laughed that it almost made us feel better to know that they were still together.

Nas was 10.

Weird.

Tuesday

Well, it's here. The support hearing is tomorrow at 1pm. I'm a ball of nerves. So much rides on this. I find out tomorrow if I have to move my boys from their home. I find out tomorrow how much money I need to make and if I can go to school full time or not. I find out tomorrow what my future looks like. It's all in the hands of someone else.

I'm so nervous.

So, I'm marking my places in time.

It's a technique I've created for myself to endure something that I'm afraid to do.

I take it and divide it into manageable chunks and mentally reward myself as I pass a new marker.

Example:

After dinner tonight
Laying in bed
Waking up in the AM
Kids off to school
Finish paperwork for hearing
Get bath, ready
Leave for hearing
Sitting in courthouse
Called for hearing
hearing over
home


These are my marks in time that I will specifically point out to myself as I pass them.

It makes dinner the next hurdle instead of the hearing.

Make sense?

Yeah, I know that I'm nuts.

This is just something I do for me.

Like writing.

I tend to have verbal diarrhea when I'm nervous...

but you cannot tell...right? ;)

ENOUGH ALREADY!

This morning Kiya was not right. She didn't wake the boys up with me. She was laying around more than usual and didn't even sit by the door to be let out. When I called her and opened the back door, she struggled to get to it. She managed to pee, but fell into the table on the deck and stumbled back into the house. Zack noticed right away. Alex too. "Mom, something is not right and you need to take her to the vet", Zack told me. I told him if I didn't notice any difference in her behavior soon, that I would. I gave her an Advil and hoped the red mark under her leg was causing her to be sore and not walk right.

She was in the living room and sort of fell over by the end table. She would not be moved. I put a cover under her head and she didn't do anything for an hour and a half except pant and cry.

My sister was coming out for a day of "fun". When she got here, Kiya wagged her tail but made no effort to greet her. Anyone who knows Kiya, KNOWS she greets EVERYONE! We decided to seek out a vet hospital. Lynn called one and they didn't have any openings in the morning and they referred us to Dr. Beam.

We worked our butts off getting her into the back of Lynn's car. I used a blanket as a sling and helped support her body to get her to "walk" and get into the car.

When we got to the vet, it was over an hours wait. Finally, it was Kiya's turn. She barely budged and was clearly hurting and unable to walk.

The vet took about 2 minutes to feel around and say that she was "covered in cancer". Every lymph node was swollen. The red by her leg was actually a tumor. He said that the cancer had obviously just hit the part of her spine that finally caused her paralysis in her leg. He said he could biopsy it. We could try steroids. We could do chemo & radiation. Fact was, she would probably never recover.

I opted to let her go. I had to.

I did not expect to not bring her back home today.

He gave her a sedative and my sister and I petted her as he administered the last shot.

It was horrible.

As if my boys haven't lost enough. As if this family hasn't been through pure HELL lately...

Zack is devastated. Kiya was "his" dog. She loved all the boys, and all the boys loved her, but they had that connection.

I'm tired of this crap. Seriously tired. We need a break. Something to go our way. Something to give us REAL hope that lasts.

Yeah, I know...I'm supposed to have faith and trust. Well, perhaps I'm doing something really wrong because I'm trying and still failing.

Go ahead, tell me to read Job.

Not in the mood.

I've had enough. Enough for me and on behalf of my sons especially.

I've had enough.

Observation:

This post card on Postsecret.com spoke to me today. Fact is, it's no better putting your eggs in one basket, whether it's a person, or a drug. We need a lot of things and people to help us everyday. No ONE thing or person can take it all away. It's my own job to do the best for me at any given time. In turn, being my best rewards my kids, and everyone else around me.

Steaks

I've got 'em for anyone wanting to celebrate tomorrow.

Just sayin'...

I feel stupid - but I know it won't last for long
I've been guessing - and I coulda been guessin' wrong
You don't know me now
I kinda thought that you should somehow
Does that whole mad season got ya down?

Well I feel stupid, but it's something that comes and goes
I've been changin' - I think it's funny how no one knows
We don't talk about the little things that we do without
When that whole mad season comes around

So why you gotta stand there
Looking like the answer now?
It seems to me you'd come around
I need you now
Do you think you can cope?
You figured me out - that I'm lost and I'm hopeless
I'm bleeding and broken, though I've never spoken
I come undone in this mad season

I feel stupid, but I think I been catchin' on
I feel ugly, but I know I still turn you on
You've grown colder now, torn apart, angry, turned around
Will that whole mad season knock you down?

So are you gonna stand there
Are you gonna help me out?
We need to be together now
I need you now
Do you think you can cope?
You figured me out - that I'm lost and I'm hopeless
I'm bleeding and broken, though I've never spoken
I come undone in this mad season

And now I'm cryin'
Isn't that what you want?
And I'm tryin' to live my life on my own
But I won't, no,
At times I do believe I am strong
So someone tell me why, why, why
Do I, I, I feel stupid
And I come undone
And I come undone

I need you now
Do you think you can cope?
You figured me out - that I'm lost and I'm hopeless
I'm bleeding and broken though I've never spoken

Well I need you now
Do you think you can cope?
You figured me out - I'm a child and I'm hopeless
I'm bleeding and broken though I've never spoken
I come undone
I come undone in this mad season

In this mad season
It's been a mad season
Been a mad season

hair

When my boys were little, they always had a fascination with my long hair. They liked brushing it, trying to put ponytails into it, or just making horrible knots by twisting the brush through it.

Alex still does this at 7. Occasionally, Zack will want a turn when he sees Alex brushing my hair. He is almost 11.

Tonight Caleb, my 12 yo, sat behind me and brushed my hair. It was sweet and unexpected. He's struggling and needs some additional attention like the others do. I think it's more difficult for him to express this extra need, as he is the "oldest" and all.

This was, in my opinion, a chance to just sit and connect with mom without having to snuggle or hug or any of those "kid" things.

It's these little things that make me know I'm doing something right. That they feel comfortable enough to talk with me and touch.

Mom's of daughters may not go through this quite as much as we boy mom's do. I don't know. What I do know is that it's been a long time since Caleb wanted to sit that close.

I love that I will have a greater hand in the men that my sons become now. I love that anger and fighting doesn't rule this home any longer. I love that affection isn't scoffed at. I love that my sons can love their mom and not be intimidated to do so.

They are and will remain exceptional in my eyes.

I am proud of them every day.

Gah this crap gets old...

So, the car is dead.

I tried to have it jumped. It started then died. Then jumped again, ran, started, turned on the lights, dies. Repeat...

So, I think it's the alternator. I don't know when I'll be able to actually get it looked at because I blew all of my money buying, inspecting, registering, insuring, and having the oil changed on this thing.

Sometimes, the black cloud gets a little bit old. I'm hoping some wind blows it away for a bit. I could use some sunshine.

BLAH!

Back to the old drawing board...

I met with my lawyer again today. She advised me to refile for support for several reasons, the least of which being his attitude toward me buying food for the kids and me.

So, new hearing date is March 24th. Not too bad, I think.

I meet with Cornerstone on Tuesday regarding housing/job opportunities. I also need to start throwing in applications everywhere I can. It's difficult. Places don't often offer daytime full time jobs in the retail world.

I feel I'm making strides and getting somewhere though. I don't feel I'm spinning my wheels so much anymore. I have a court date, a car, and an acceptance into WCCC for the program I want. It's actually a lot for someone who's only been separated for 41 days! It feels so much longer!

My lawyer also advised me to not speak directly to Michael anymore. I'm fine with that. I can text him when I need to discuss anything.

I'm tired today...but I feel pretty good anyway.

Steps are being made. There is something to show for all of my work now. I am ready to move on. Just gotta know where, when, and my job situation. It will come in time. Hell, all I've got is time.

so much

Lining up
one by one

taking turns
only two hands

breathing life
and taking chances

wishes gone
reality abides

if it were today
could I do it right

when it comes tomorrow
will I overcome

uncertainty
insecurity

can you fix me
mold me

Some things I like
some
frivolity

pureness
not real

perfection
unattainable

where do I meet
the two

how do I grasp
the future

in time
it will make sense

with you
perhaps without

so many dreams
relied on US

now
I

me

just me

weird

MOBILE!

YAY! My new/old car passed inspection this morning with NO problems AT ALL! YIPPIE! I am SO excited to be able to go anywhere/anytime now! No more begging for rides, no more asking to use the van. No more!

I took the boys out to dinner last night in it. I was legal for 10 days without an inspection because I just purchased it. So, we went to Steak N Shake. Then, we went to Petco and just walked around looking at all of the animals. Then, we went to Walmart to buy Kiya some rawhide bones for her birthday. :D

It was so nice. The kids were excited and I was THRILLED to be able to provide for them MYSELF! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!

Are you picking up on how excited I am about this??? I'm REALLY EXCITED!!!!!!