dating

Well, I feel ready to date. I'm tired of not getting to go out with adults. I want to go out and see movies above PG-13 rating, or have dinner where there are no children's menus involved. It's time to stop feeling so lonely and have someone to hug sometimes.

I'm not exactly thrilled at the idea, but I also don't expect to find someone to date all that easily...so, when it happens, I will be ready.

I guess I feel like, if I'm putting it out there, maybe it'll happen. I'm tired of everyone saying "Oh, don't worry about that, you have more important things to take care of right now..."

This is usually spoken from the married people who have no freaking clue how it feels to be truly lonely as an adult. Besides, I've put my "life" aside for a long time already, while I got myself established with my own place, my own car, and almost done with my first year of school It's not up to anyone else when I feel ready.

So they can bite me.

I'm officially and outwardly seeking someone to have fun with.

well

In true form, I find out news a week or so after it happens in my family. I'm the resident outcast because I can't be out there helping with my mom. I also don't call very regularly. They all don't seem to realize that the phone works both ways. I don't have the strength do deal with much more than I'm already surviving right now. Not like a damn one of them helps me out either.

Nevertheless, I found out tonight, that my mom had another further collapse of her brain blood vessels. Basically she's had more strokes. She suffers from small vessel disease which makes this likely to continue...and it has over the years since her first occurrence. She'd already lost the use of her right arm, and had diminished use of her legs. Speech and memory had been slightly affected, but not significantly.

I learned tonight, that she suffered further damage. She can barely speak and has huge issues with her memory now.

Seems this happened over a week ago and no one bothered to tell me. Thanks all.

I was just up there a couple of weeks ago for my nephew's fiance's wedding shower. It's not like I'm totally ignoring the family. I don't understand why they totally ignore me.

Mom chose to not see a doctor regarding the new issues and damages. In all honesty, she's wanted to die since my dad died a few years ago. I don't blame her.

It's not easy to kiss everyone's ass for information or beg for my family to give a shit. I have so much on my plate anymore and I make choices based on priority and necessity. Luckily, that seems to make me the favorite family outcast.

I don't see how that gives anyone the right to pretend that I don't deserve to know that something significant happened.

Such is my family though. Punishment and guilt trips abound.

So, one more thing to deal with and try to endure/tolerate/understand/come to peace with.

Hell, I've basically given up looking for answers in my life. Not for the real things. I get tired of begging and seeking and feeling more and more lost all the time.

Thanks to all the friends who support and love me every day...

oh wait...

there aren't any of those either.

nevermind

St. Paddy's Day

Well, this year went off with the least negative stuff in 3 years. Only bad thing was that the deal I was making with a friend to purchase her minivan fell through. :( I was really looking forward to having 4 doors that opened and no leaking. Not to mention, I'd have had a place to put the boy's bikes for the summer. As it is now, we live on the third floor and have no real storage for bikes...so they never get to ride. I feel badly about that.

So, back to square one, in that I have no idea what to do about a different car now. So, I'm thinking about just using that money for necessities and perhaps a short trip to the beach this summer. It's been years since we went on a vacation.

We'll see.

easy

It's not that easy
I can't just reconnect
chat
talk
as if nothing happened

I don't do well with that

When you speak
it's like I'm dying inside
and I want to say so much
but instead
I have to choose
the weather
the kids
my classes


Avoiding the pain
the issues
the realities
of everything
that's happened

I'm a talker
I'm a writer
I'm unable to pretend
for long

If you want me
even just as a friend
it will take time
and changes
and time
and apologies
and more time
and patience


and on my part
much much forgiveness

water

I keep dreaming of water. Water in swimming pools mostly. Problem is, the water is like sludge...muddy...icky...disgusting...brown.

I'm always going in to find someone/something/life...

It's like we're supposed to close down a pool and we have to make sure everyone and everything is out before moving on.

It's always night time. It's always a group of people around the edges. It's always like a vat of mud puddle.

I jump in without hesitation, like it's not bothersome. At the same time, I'm sickened at watching myself in that water.

I guess overall, I'm always jumping into new things that are overwhelming and scary, right now. I look, to the rest of the world, like I'm fine...swimming along without any issues or problems with my tasks. In reality, I'm watching myself from the outside, disconnected, afraid, sickened, worried. I'm tired of being in the muck. I need clean, clear, safe water.

I guess either way, I still have to swim.

St. Paddy's Day

I don't believe that I have even one drop of Irish in me, and that may be why March 17th has not been kind the last two years.

One year ago on that date, I suddenly had to have my dog put down. We woke up, and she was unable to walk. My sister and I took her to the vet and he said she was full of cancer. It was shocking. We had to make a choice to put her down right then. My kids didn't get to say goodbye. I had her cremated and we still have her here, but it was a horrible day.

Two years ago on St. Paddy's Day, I was driving home from meeting a friend in Ohio. Going 65 mph in the fast lane, I blew a tire and lost control of my van. Luckily, the person beside me in the slow lane saw what happened, slowed down, and allowed me to cross in front of them to the berm of the highway. I was alone, scared, upset, crying. I called my husband and told him what had happened. His response was "What do you want me to do about it?" Ugh. I wanted him to ask if I was ok. I wanted him to help me calm down. I wanted him to remind me of how to make my brain work again because I was a little upset. Nevertheless, I called AAA and drove home on a donut. Fun times.

This year, I'm looking forward to seeing what life will have in store for me.

The Ides of March are on the 15th.

My Ides seem to be on the 17th.

Can't wait.

warm!

Yeah! It's warm today! The briskness of winter is finally easing. Springtime is good.

3/9/2010

Today was the first day in a long time, that I relaxed inside again.
I was so relieved to just talk and vent and hear your voice.
It did me a world of good.
And lonely as I am, I felt you still with me in some way.
Perhaps I can do this.
Hell, I have no choice.


But it was beautiful to hear you again.

changes

As life changes
I close my eyes
and sleep defies
my desire
to rest

Captivated
by silence
my mind
swirls
and wheels spin
such busyness
for this hour

I study
what I can
support
in ways I never dreamed
and go about
from day to day

in that time
my thoughts count
in the hundreds
of you

wishing for a message
a reply
a call

you're never there

anymore

and it hurts

because I miss you

so i go to appointments
travel where I'm told
buy what we need
and the sun sets again

i'll close my eyes tonight
and try to not remember

i'll try to force rest
and wish for the phone to waken me

but another day will pass
and there will be nothing

nothing but responsibility
and exhaustion

My boys

My boys are truly amazing kids. I am so proud of them for the young men they are becoming and the good choices they continue to make! They are smart, and handsome, and loving, and friendly.

They are forgiving, and strong, and tolerant, and funny.

I do love watching them grow and seeing their interest change or morph. They have so many dreams.

I tell them, "You are the only one who can tell you that you can't."

I want them to feel they are able to accomplish ANYTHING or be ANYTHING they set their amazing brains to!

They have grown with me over the past year. I believe they are ok, in spite of the challenges they've faced. That's not to say they never hurt or question or wonder or feel angry. I do too! That's all a part of being "ok". They are good people. They will make this world better as they continue to grow and learn and love.

I'm so proud to be their momma. ♥

letting go

I need to let go.

Let go of so many ideas and notions and hopes and dreams and thoughts and wants.

Needs are the only things I can focus on right now.

I'm coming to a point, where I am bypassing my "life" for what will make the lives of my sons better in the long run.

Maybe that's wrong.

I don't feel I have any other choice.

I think if people get divorced, and there is a true mutual respect and love for the kids, the parents work together, and the children AND the parents can thrive.

When one decides to be selfish, it throws off everything and the other parent pays the price of full responsibility and full care of the kids.

In providing the best care possible, that other parent loses options, and choices, friends, and relationships.

Make no mistake, I DO NOT regret where I am.

I have my sons.

I am beyond proud of them.

I will do anything to help them through this life with happy results.

In doing so, I do however, sacrifice my rights as a person, for my rights as a parent.

I guess I'm not complaining about that. It's more of an observation.

Parenting was meant to be a partnership or it would not require two people to create a baby.

Sometimes, life changes and parents are no longer together...but that partnership should still be intact for the sake of the children...and I believe it can be. But this can only be, when BOTH parents put the needs of their children first. Sadly, most broken marriages result in parents pitted against each other.

When one parent leaves, the relationship between them is no longer the issue!!! The focus is now on the children ALONE!

Why is it so hard for ADULTS to care about these innocent victims more than about the money or the house or the damn dog?

People often tell me that they don't understand how I don't hate my ex. They don't understand why I WANT him to have a good relationship with his sons. They think I'm weak because I will not engage in an argument with his girlfriend, or because I talk with him when he's down.

What kind of cruel parent would I have to be, to WANT to hate him? To WANT to have to send MY sons to a place they weren't happy and comfortable? Why on EARTH would I bash their father and try to put them in the middle of an ugly ending that had NOTHING to do with them????

What is wrong with people!?

Weakness is NOT choosing the high road...EVER! Weakness is taking that, already hurting, child and placing them dead-center into an adult relationship!

People are stupid. Seriously.

I think there are many who feel I'm stupid for not trying to "take him for all he's worth".

Know what he's worth? He's worth my sons.

I'm not taking anything I don't need or he won't have enough for what they need either.

Selfish

people are just plain selfish!

ahhhh...life

Such twists and contortions
Life offers

Times away
together

fallen
uplifted

It's been so confusing
and overwhelming

I'm trying my best
I am

I reach out
I fail

I pick myself up
I fall

my everything hurts
physically
mentally
emotionally

Oh then comes the lovely
"time"
again

I waste so much time
waiting for time

and I ache
still alone
with my own thoughts
and dreams
and As and Bs

Succeeding
at what
except
life

the simple acts
of breathing in
and out

the rest is
made up
of dreams

and time

stalker

I've always been a great internet stalker. I mean that in the nicest possible way. Want to find a great deal on an electronics item? Want to find someone from your graduating class? Afraid of Facebook, but want to lurk it?

Yeah, I've talked many a friend through the series of tubes which we lovingly call the "web".

I've found out horrible things. I been blessed to reconnect with old friends.

Now, I'm trying to break away.

I don't have time or energy right now. The people in my internet world are amazing. They've seen me through the worst of times. They've supported me and loved me and helped me.

It's not that I don't need them anymore. Fact is, I do. Problem is, I can't give back right now. I'm exhausted and sapped.

My focus has to be on my sons, and my grades.

Only issue being, I'm leaving the thing that is my only real source of support right now...and that is very difficult.

I have no choice but to continue to do the very best that I can. I have to maintain good grades. I have to feed my kids, and provide them clean clothes. I'm not the best at any of it...but I don't consider myself horrible either.

I am mourning my internet family who have kept me company for years as I sat in constant anxiety and struggled to maintain. I am not leaving them. They will always be a part of me and I will always be available to them. I just can't do the stuff I enjoyed much anymore.

I don't have the energy or the gumption to play mafia wars when I've got algebra homework and dinner to make.

Oh, make no mistake, I'd LOVE to be playing still...but there's really no reason except to distract me from the things I really need to do.

See, and I had this very best friend...a soul mate of sorts...and we've cut ties...maybe forever...and the internet was always our link.

So to be on, and pretend to ignore someone who has greatly shaped who I have become over the last couple years, is virtually impossible.

Even now, I want to stalk...but I can't...

I need to try to be ok without friends and family now.

I have my sons.

I have school.

I have me.

Someday, that may expand again...but I will not be holding out any hope. I've learned my lesson.

I shit in one hand and wished in the other...

I saw which one filled up faster...

Now I have to clean up

and just maintain

until life comes back around again

will you ever find me

I can't see you anymore.

Yet, make no mistake,

I want you to find me.

But only if you want me.

Not to hurt me anymore.

Not to use me.

Not to dangle a carrot and promise lies.



I will miss you forever

if you choose to never look

Yet, if you choose to seek for me,

please tell me.



because i feel very very alone

is anybody out there

i wonder where my "friends" went

disappeared with everyone else

blown off

not invited

ignored

people are uncomfortable now

they don't know to interact with me

i am still me

but no one notices



so i'm even more alone than ever

i have my sons

and i'm not sure i'm doing them any favors

at this point

i'm not much of a mom anymore

i go to school

i shop

i do laundry

i barely cook

i barely clean

i have no days off

i have no friends left

i love my boys

it's not their job

to fill those voids

hell with "voids"

they are "chasms"

part of me is angry

at all who chose to leave me behind

part of me knew it would happen

and truly isn't surprised



but no one knows how lonely it is

to be told one thing

and treated another way

with conditions

and things left unresolved



maybe i'm just feeling sorry for myself


but i am, without a doubt, quite alone