stalker

I've always been a great internet stalker. I mean that in the nicest possible way. Want to find a great deal on an electronics item? Want to find someone from your graduating class? Afraid of Facebook, but want to lurk it?

Yeah, I've talked many a friend through the series of tubes which we lovingly call the "web".

I've found out horrible things. I been blessed to reconnect with old friends.

Now, I'm trying to break away.

I don't have time or energy right now. The people in my internet world are amazing. They've seen me through the worst of times. They've supported me and loved me and helped me.

It's not that I don't need them anymore. Fact is, I do. Problem is, I can't give back right now. I'm exhausted and sapped.

My focus has to be on my sons, and my grades.

Only issue being, I'm leaving the thing that is my only real source of support right now...and that is very difficult.

I have no choice but to continue to do the very best that I can. I have to maintain good grades. I have to feed my kids, and provide them clean clothes. I'm not the best at any of it...but I don't consider myself horrible either.

I am mourning my internet family who have kept me company for years as I sat in constant anxiety and struggled to maintain. I am not leaving them. They will always be a part of me and I will always be available to them. I just can't do the stuff I enjoyed much anymore.

I don't have the energy or the gumption to play mafia wars when I've got algebra homework and dinner to make.

Oh, make no mistake, I'd LOVE to be playing still...but there's really no reason except to distract me from the things I really need to do.

See, and I had this very best friend...a soul mate of sorts...and we've cut ties...maybe forever...and the internet was always our link.

So to be on, and pretend to ignore someone who has greatly shaped who I have become over the last couple years, is virtually impossible.

Even now, I want to stalk...but I can't...

I need to try to be ok without friends and family now.

I have my sons.

I have school.

I have me.

Someday, that may expand again...but I will not be holding out any hope. I've learned my lesson.

I shit in one hand and wished in the other...

I saw which one filled up faster...

Now I have to clean up

and just maintain

until life comes back around again