Well hello there

It has been forever since I've blogged. Life is so different from 5 years ago. I still love my children so, I'm going to need to change my title. Caleb is now female and her name is Avery. She & Zack have graduated high school and Alex is in 9th grade. I've finished classes with a certificate in medical billing and coding. I went through a series of jobs and finally found a place where I loved working. Before even being there for 2 years, I wound up on short term disability. That lead to long term disability and filing for SSDI. Not a very proud time for me. It seems my spine has shit the bed and decided it didn't like its job anymore. It's got everything you've ever heard of going on. Herniated discs, dehydrated discs, osteophytes, stenosis, nerve impingement, and even a broken vertebrae! Good times! Sitting or standing for any amount of time is excruciating. I'm in bed most of the time and extremely bored. That's why I am posting today. I'm bored and I can't stand to be on Facebook right now. The stress over the election just makes my anxiety crazy bad. So, here I am. I figure I can post my own thoughts and not be attacked for it since I haven't told anyone I'm posting. I need a calmer place to vent and talk. We will see. It could also be another 5 years before I post again. But who cares! It's totally up to me. 😁

Today

Today he chose to ask again about when
Today he chose to say he's done so much already
Today he chose to ask what I've done
Today he chose to bring me down

Just like yesterday

Why I still allow him to dictate and arouse my ire, I'll never know.

I made a commitment to not be a bitter woman.
I promised myself and my kids to not be "her."

I am at a very angry stage of this process and it's difficult.

Difficult to hold my tongue.
Difficult to not stab at him with words.
Difficult to hold true to myself.
Difficult to forgive.

It's all part of the process, I know.

But I don't like this person I'm being.
I'm not an angry soul by nature or choice.

Something in this has brought out the worst in my character.
It's almost uncontrollable at times and I don't like that.

I've always tried to keep the boats steady and the waters calm.

I need to soften the winds inside of me
And steer back to the high road I've deferred from


So much easier said than done right now
As the process comes to a head
it feels my emotions spike with it

I want it over
Yet dread the day

good luck

I'm feeling extremely alone. I feel like I'm trying but between school and the kids and homework and life, I have no time. I'd love to do something for myself but there's nothing I can afford. There's no way he'll take the boys if I just want time. I have been slammed this semester with a ton of homework too. I don't much feel there's anyone out there who truly wants to spend time with me anyhow. I try to initiate lunch or coffee with people but it's all falling through. I'm not sure if it's me or just life is too busy for them too...

Either way, I'm hurting and wishing for some companionship.

Good luck to me.

care

When someone says "I care about you." What is that supposed to exactly mean? Seriously, I care about taking a shower. I care about what's for dinner. I care about starving Ethiopians. You can care for an elderly friend. You can care for an open wound. You can care for Italian salad dressing and not care for French. You can send a care package care of someone who cares!

Please! Lets be a bit more descriptive when expressing our feelings. Thank you!

Frustrated

With everything.

I'm tired of school but I am terrified to be done and attempt to get a job.
I'm tired of not having a social life and but terrified to date.
I'm tired of having no money but terrified to be responsible for it all myself.

I'm tired of not mattering
I'm tired of being last
I'm tired of being taken for granted
I'm tired of feeling lost

I get this way now and again.

Right now, I'm extremely this way.

More than anything, I'd like to hide away...but I also know no one would bother trying to find me.

How's that for feeling alone?

I guess I'd like to matter more...but no one can make someone else choose that. It's out of my hands. Not that I actually want to control how others feel about me. I just want them to want to love me for real. I never thought that was too much to ask but I think I was wrong.

dating

Well, I feel ready to date. I'm tired of not getting to go out with adults. I want to go out and see movies above PG-13 rating, or have dinner where there are no children's menus involved. It's time to stop feeling so lonely and have someone to hug sometimes.

I'm not exactly thrilled at the idea, but I also don't expect to find someone to date all that easily...so, when it happens, I will be ready.

I guess I feel like, if I'm putting it out there, maybe it'll happen. I'm tired of everyone saying "Oh, don't worry about that, you have more important things to take care of right now..."

This is usually spoken from the married people who have no freaking clue how it feels to be truly lonely as an adult. Besides, I've put my "life" aside for a long time already, while I got myself established with my own place, my own car, and almost done with my first year of school It's not up to anyone else when I feel ready.

So they can bite me.

I'm officially and outwardly seeking someone to have fun with.

well

In true form, I find out news a week or so after it happens in my family. I'm the resident outcast because I can't be out there helping with my mom. I also don't call very regularly. They all don't seem to realize that the phone works both ways. I don't have the strength do deal with much more than I'm already surviving right now. Not like a damn one of them helps me out either.

Nevertheless, I found out tonight, that my mom had another further collapse of her brain blood vessels. Basically she's had more strokes. She suffers from small vessel disease which makes this likely to continue...and it has over the years since her first occurrence. She'd already lost the use of her right arm, and had diminished use of her legs. Speech and memory had been slightly affected, but not significantly.

I learned tonight, that she suffered further damage. She can barely speak and has huge issues with her memory now.

Seems this happened over a week ago and no one bothered to tell me. Thanks all.

I was just up there a couple of weeks ago for my nephew's fiance's wedding shower. It's not like I'm totally ignoring the family. I don't understand why they totally ignore me.

Mom chose to not see a doctor regarding the new issues and damages. In all honesty, she's wanted to die since my dad died a few years ago. I don't blame her.

It's not easy to kiss everyone's ass for information or beg for my family to give a shit. I have so much on my plate anymore and I make choices based on priority and necessity. Luckily, that seems to make me the favorite family outcast.

I don't see how that gives anyone the right to pretend that I don't deserve to know that something significant happened.

Such is my family though. Punishment and guilt trips abound.

So, one more thing to deal with and try to endure/tolerate/understand/come to peace with.

Hell, I've basically given up looking for answers in my life. Not for the real things. I get tired of begging and seeking and feeling more and more lost all the time.

Thanks to all the friends who support and love me every day...

oh wait...

there aren't any of those either.

nevermind