Talent Show 2009

Mason & Alex did a GREAT job doing TKD for the talent show again this year!!
Alex's glasses flew across the stage at the beginning, but he moved on and kicked TKD butt!!!! I'm a proud momma. :D

"Big Jerk"

That's what Alex just called me. He's been yelling at me for a good 15 minutes or so. He wants to know why I forced his dad to leave. He wants us to all live in the same house together again. He doesn't want to hear it's not going to happen.

"Dad is the good parent. He buys us everything. You are almost BROKE and he has ALL kinds of money because he lives with his parents!!!" "I want to live with dad because you only get us a little bit of stuff and he gets us everything!" "You made dad leave! It's your fault, mom."

I don't want to take these things personally but I'd be lying if I said they don't sting. I know his little brain is struggling with understanding such an adult situation.

"It doesn't matter if dad wants to drink, I like him better."



I just spent another half an hour talking with him. There is a part of me that is honored that he'll take this out on me. There is a theory, that you fight hardest with the people you trust the most to not leave you. Sort of the proverbial "you always hurt the ones you love".

It's hard to hear him saying that he loves dad better. That dad is awesome. That dad is the best parent.

Part of that comes from an innocence that I don't want to shatter...and I won't.

We played a game while we talked. We talked about "good things and bad things". We discussed that most things have both. Some things about mom are good. Some are bad. Some things about dad are good. Some things are bad. BOTH mom & dad LOVE him...no matter what. He is allowed to love BOTH of us...no matter what.

So, my stomach hurts. But, with each new situation this divorce brings, I remember more about the mom I was. The mom I always wanted to be. The mom I'd lost in the "referee mode" of my marriage. I was in constant damage control/protective actions mode.

Now, I'm "Mom". I can talk how I want. I can take them where I want. I can excuse things he didn't. I can make my own rules for them. I LOVE this opportunity. I hate the way it's come about, but I am thankful that I get to be the parent I wanted to be now.

I love my sons with all of my heart. I'm not trying to pretend that I'm not ever a "big jerk". I just want to be the best "big jerk" I can be...and I feel I'm well on my way.

candy mountain charlie

It had been a few years since I'd seen this. I can't help it, I totally crack up every time I watch it.

Shuuuuuunnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn the nonbelievers....shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhuuuuunnnnnn!!!!

cake topper

So, this is my wedding cake topper. I'm cleaning out my bedroom to prepare to move. I'm throwing away things I don't want...etc.

This is weird.

I don't know what to do with this. I am absolutely keeping the wedding album. It's got my FAVORITE pics of my dad and I in it. It was a fun day.

This, I just don't know what to do with. Do I throw it away...do I keep it?

I just don't know. Some things are hurtful to look at right now. Some things, I can almost distance myself enough from to not feel anything about it.

The cake topper...wow. I just don't know. I really loved it. We had a "gazebo" theme. It was perfect.

It's part of my life, the wedding and all. It's why I have my sons. But, to see those two people on there is sort of hard.

blah

Maybe I should donate it. Maybe someone would buy it for the porcelain figures and make something beautiful from it for their own wedding.

This day has been hard. Throwing away years of memories from my bedroom. I'm a pack rat. Today has been like a living nightmare of going through things and deciding what's worth moving and what's not.

Weird.

Almost surreal.

This whole year so far.

not that girl

I tried to have you listen to this song once. You said it sounded like someone whining and boo hooing on the stage. Yep. She is.

The story goes, she is completely attracted to this guy. He's amazing, handsome, wonderful...everything she dreams of. He's already dating a beautiful, popular, perfect woman. A woman that she knows that she cannot hold a candle to. She is singing about KNOWING that he felt something for her...but realizing that he will never allow himself to be seen with her. She's less than perfect. She's not beautiful. She's smart and amazing in her own right...but not enough. She tries to remind herself that she needs to keep her heart in check. That she knows she can't wish for him, but she aches. Her reality is that he'll never allow himself to love her because she's not good enough.

I've always felt this way. I bawled when I saw this on stage because I've never identified SO strongly with a character EVER. I am Elphaba...The Wicked Witch of the West.

In my life, this "less than enough" persona follows me and haunts me. I don't need people to tell me it's not true. I don't need told it's "self fulfilling prophecy". I don't want told that I'm wrong. I know me. I know my life.

I just want to say, that I think you should have shown me the respect I deserved when I asked you to listen to this song.

I wanted you to hear it.



I chose to post a version without the vocals because the broadway version is not available on youtube.