I really hate to complain here, but I think I'm done with the stress now.
I think I've been handed enough for a day or two.
From affairs, to divorce, to money worries, to car accidents, to crying children, to the flu, to the 911 incident (don't ask), to taking kids to work with me, to trying to be as strong and self sufficient as possible. From making call after call. Being told that I don't qualify, I can't get that benefit, I need to go here or there. Everyday, EVERYDAY I'm struggling and forcing myself to do so many things that I can barely keep my eyes open. My brain wants to shut down. People ask how I'm so calm.
HA
They don't see me in bed at night...when I'm finally free to lose it.
I am about at my limit.
I'm feeling beyond overwhelmed.
Fact is, no one can take any of it away. Nothing is going to change anything.
I feel I go one step forward and 10 steps back.
Wendi, every damn time I put another lego on the structure, some mean kid knocks it back down and I crumble with it.
I can only be so strong. I'm not feeling very able.
People can say that I am strong, or that I'll be ok. People love to tell me how things will only get better.
Honestly, things are going to get so much worse before there's any hope.
I'm beginning to face that we will lose the house. As much as I don't like the house, I'd do just about anything to maintain that security for the boys. I just don't know how I could possibly do that at my education level.
I hate that I have to take them somewhere else. That I have to move them from their rooms. They are in such upheaval anyway. I just want to give them something solid.
I feel I have nothing to offer.
I've never felt so helpless in my life as a parent.
Yeah, it's been a really rough few days again. I see no sunshine in the near future either.
Hoping for some...but I am not feeling it's even possible.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
long day
Between the kids being off because of weather, AWANA being canceled, and being officially served my divorce papers today, it's been a horribly long day.
I've accomplished nothing except keeping from losing it completely in front of the boys.
I feel as though the rug is being pulled from underneath me. That the ground is crumbling. I know people tell me that I have a choice about how I'm dealing. Honestly, I don't believe that I do.
I HAVE to be the one to take care of the boys 24/7. I HAVE to be the one who helps every night with homework. I HAVE to be the one to make sure they have meals...with a dwindling budget. I HAVE to be the one to look into programs and counseling for them. I HAVE to be the one to ensure they have clean clothing every day. I HAVE to get a full time job in addition.
I have no choices at this time.
They've already been rocked. I will NOT be the one who pulls out their rug...who crumbles their ground.
So, I have papers now. I have an accident claim to deal with. I have a lawyer to visit. I have bills to pay with less money than I need. I have grocery shopping to do. I have laundry to wash. I have meals to make.
Surprisingly, the accident and lawyer are the only parts I didn't already do.
It's the dealing with the continuing questions from my boys. It's the extra time and hugs I'm trying to provide. It's the concern that I won't be able to pay the water bill this month. It's the worry that I will have to take my sons from their home because of this.
I'm doing my best.
I'm hanging from my fingernails.
My sons are my priority and I have to change everything they are comfortable with to make a home for them.
I'm bitter about that.
But, when this is all said and done, when the papers are all signed. When I succeed at creating a place for my sons that doesn't involve screaming and violence, THAT is when I'll know that I succeeded.
I've accomplished nothing except keeping from losing it completely in front of the boys.
I feel as though the rug is being pulled from underneath me. That the ground is crumbling. I know people tell me that I have a choice about how I'm dealing. Honestly, I don't believe that I do.
I HAVE to be the one to take care of the boys 24/7. I HAVE to be the one who helps every night with homework. I HAVE to be the one to make sure they have meals...with a dwindling budget. I HAVE to be the one to look into programs and counseling for them. I HAVE to be the one to ensure they have clean clothing every day. I HAVE to get a full time job in addition.
I have no choices at this time.
They've already been rocked. I will NOT be the one who pulls out their rug...who crumbles their ground.
So, I have papers now. I have an accident claim to deal with. I have a lawyer to visit. I have bills to pay with less money than I need. I have grocery shopping to do. I have laundry to wash. I have meals to make.
Surprisingly, the accident and lawyer are the only parts I didn't already do.
It's the dealing with the continuing questions from my boys. It's the extra time and hugs I'm trying to provide. It's the concern that I won't be able to pay the water bill this month. It's the worry that I will have to take my sons from their home because of this.
I'm doing my best.
I'm hanging from my fingernails.
My sons are my priority and I have to change everything they are comfortable with to make a home for them.
I'm bitter about that.
But, when this is all said and done, when the papers are all signed. When I succeed at creating a place for my sons that doesn't involve screaming and violence, THAT is when I'll know that I succeeded.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
I went on a search
I went looking for a picture of my Yoda cake to show Benjy. I found it. Here it is.
I also came across one of my VERY favorite pictures that Caleb ever drew. The assignment, in Kindergarten, was to write what you felt you would be doing in the spring. Caleb my sweet, then dyslexic, son drew this. It will be shown to ALL of his potential girlfriends.
He was caught ribling his dick that spring...I'm sure of it.
I also came across one of my VERY favorite pictures that Caleb ever drew. The assignment, in Kindergarten, was to write what you felt you would be doing in the spring. Caleb my sweet, then dyslexic, son drew this. It will be shown to ALL of his potential girlfriends.
He was caught ribling his dick that spring...I'm sure of it.
Monday, January 26, 2009
The "D" word
So, he saw a lawyer this morning. Paperwork is filled out and I will be served within about a week.
It's been 18 days.
A 20 year relationship, gone for the most part, in 18 days.
Seems a bit of a whirlwind but I suppose things have been crumbling for a while.
I have some tentative plans for myself. I want to go back to school and become something. I want to be able to support myself and my kids. I want to show them that adversity is not a reason to give up.
I found a course for an associates degree at WCCC. I'd like to start in the fall. Hopefully, that will work out and I'll be on the Geek Squad in no time.
I considered being a librarian, as I do own the glasses for it, but the Dewey Decimal system never really did it for me.
It's been 18 days.
A 20 year relationship, gone for the most part, in 18 days.
Seems a bit of a whirlwind but I suppose things have been crumbling for a while.
I have some tentative plans for myself. I want to go back to school and become something. I want to be able to support myself and my kids. I want to show them that adversity is not a reason to give up.
I found a course for an associates degree at WCCC. I'd like to start in the fall. Hopefully, that will work out and I'll be on the Geek Squad in no time.
I considered being a librarian, as I do own the glasses for it, but the Dewey Decimal system never really did it for me.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
3 days
In the past three days, I've done more than I probably have in the past month. Feeling I need to get my things in order has become important to me.
For the first time in my married life, I feel free to make my own decisions about how I run this house. I don't have to be concerned that I didn't do enough. I don't have to worry that someone is angry that I got Wendy's instead of cooking.
I can do what I please. My step is confident in this house now. I'm not living up to anyone else's expectations. I'm living up to what I feel is best for my sons.
No more worrying that it isn't enough. That it isn't right. That I'll hear that I did nothing.
I can now focus on what is truly important. Not the overwhelming tone of negativity and disapproval.
These past three days have been hell.
These past three days have made me feel that I can do this.
That I will succeed.
That no matter what possessions change hands, I have my sons and they are happy with me.
I washed all of their bedding today. They all thanked me and were excited to sleep on clean fresh sheets.
There's something about going to bed in the comfort of clean sheets, that makes you just feel secure. I want them to feel secure.
They may not remember that I washed their sheets three days after dad left, but I will.
For the first time in my married life, I feel free to make my own decisions about how I run this house. I don't have to be concerned that I didn't do enough. I don't have to worry that someone is angry that I got Wendy's instead of cooking.
I can do what I please. My step is confident in this house now. I'm not living up to anyone else's expectations. I'm living up to what I feel is best for my sons.
No more worrying that it isn't enough. That it isn't right. That I'll hear that I did nothing.
I can now focus on what is truly important. Not the overwhelming tone of negativity and disapproval.
These past three days have been hell.
These past three days have made me feel that I can do this.
That I will succeed.
That no matter what possessions change hands, I have my sons and they are happy with me.
I washed all of their bedding today. They all thanked me and were excited to sleep on clean fresh sheets.
There's something about going to bed in the comfort of clean sheets, that makes you just feel secure. I want them to feel secure.
They may not remember that I washed their sheets three days after dad left, but I will.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Good luck!
SC and ES and CTP and Princess and all the various and a sundry children!
BS, sorry you have to sit without me this time. I can't wait to see some pics! :D
BS, sorry you have to sit without me this time. I can't wait to see some pics! :D
Thursday, January 15, 2009
16 random facts about me.
1. I LOVE mint chocolate chip ice cream with melted peanut butter on top.
2. I have two pieces of a dead person in my neck.
3. I live amongst organized chaos. Yes, I'm one of those "cluttery" people. EEK!
4. Baking is something I pride myself on. I LOVE post consumption feedback. :D
5. I won a "national hunting and fishing" coloring contest when I was in first grade. I drew a picture of my dad and I fishing...which we'd never done. hahaha
6. I used to believe I was the little girl on the back of the "Golden Books"
7. There was a kingdom in the closet of the room I shared with my sister growing up. It had a invisible bunnies.
8. I have a pretty good IQ, but got bad grades.
9. I LOVE to swim. Nothing feels quite like being in the water.
10. My secret dream is to become a doula. I LOVE learning facts about labor and delivery, sharing them, and helping women realize that pregnancy is NOT a sickness. It's an event!
11. Drunk driving irks me beyond what I can explain.
12. I do not believe in the death penalty.
13. Nobody mixed a salad like my daddy.
14. I suffer from dreams so disturbing that they could be movies.
15. I am a PROUD flag waver and I don't care if that bothers anyone.
16. People either hate me or love me. There is almost no exception.
2. I have two pieces of a dead person in my neck.
3. I live amongst organized chaos. Yes, I'm one of those "cluttery" people. EEK!
4. Baking is something I pride myself on. I LOVE post consumption feedback. :D
5. I won a "national hunting and fishing" coloring contest when I was in first grade. I drew a picture of my dad and I fishing...which we'd never done. hahaha
6. I used to believe I was the little girl on the back of the "Golden Books"
7. There was a kingdom in the closet of the room I shared with my sister growing up. It had a invisible bunnies.
8. I have a pretty good IQ, but got bad grades.
9. I LOVE to swim. Nothing feels quite like being in the water.
10. My secret dream is to become a doula. I LOVE learning facts about labor and delivery, sharing them, and helping women realize that pregnancy is NOT a sickness. It's an event!
11. Drunk driving irks me beyond what I can explain.
12. I do not believe in the death penalty.
13. Nobody mixed a salad like my daddy.
14. I suffer from dreams so disturbing that they could be movies.
15. I am a PROUD flag waver and I don't care if that bothers anyone.
16. People either hate me or love me. There is almost no exception.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Um...WOW
 Needle Sized ArtVery incredible story! Not only is this mans art cool but he got a ton of cash for it! |
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Is there ANY chance...
That anyone has this on Guitar Hero??? NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA!!!!
Sunday, January 11, 2009
my kids
They are amazing.
They know now.
They aren't going to school tomorrow.
They are sleeping in Zack's room.
Watching Star Wars.
We talked for over an hour at bedtime.
"Mom, do you know the 10 commandments???" Zack asked.
"Mom, the Bible says that you should never divorce unless someone does "that" with another woman." was Caleb's contribution.
"Mom, It's ok". Said Alex
How odd to have them try to comfort me.
They asked if they were going to have a step-dad. I told them that is the VERY LAST thing from my mind right now.
Zack told me that he asks for forgiveness for his sins every night when he prays. I told him that it is a very mature thing to recognize when you've sinned and want forgiven. That I was proud of him.
Caleb wanted me to know that he was cracking jokes for Zack to make him laugh. I told him that his humor comes naturally. That it can help him through MANY things and that is a true gift.
Alex just curled onto my lap and hugged me. Rocking back and forth. "Mom, you took off your ring??? I didn't know you weren't going to be married anymore."
I told them all that this is going to be one step at a time. That they will get some say so too. That the only thing they can't do is change what's going to happen. They can help make it as easy as it can be. That they are allowed to ask for extra time with dad if they need it. They are allowed to ask for extra time with me if they need it. They are allowed to suggest what would be easiest for them. If those things are doable, that dad and I will do our very best to make it happen.
I told them, that this will not be an excuse to get bad grades or be mean. That the fighting in this house was going to be stopping now. That dad & I love them and that will NEVER EVER change.
Those boys are exceptional.
They are truly my entire heart.
They know now.
They aren't going to school tomorrow.
They are sleeping in Zack's room.
Watching Star Wars.
We talked for over an hour at bedtime.
"Mom, do you know the 10 commandments???" Zack asked.
"Mom, the Bible says that you should never divorce unless someone does "that" with another woman." was Caleb's contribution.
"Mom, It's ok". Said Alex
How odd to have them try to comfort me.
They asked if they were going to have a step-dad. I told them that is the VERY LAST thing from my mind right now.
Zack told me that he asks for forgiveness for his sins every night when he prays. I told him that it is a very mature thing to recognize when you've sinned and want forgiven. That I was proud of him.
Caleb wanted me to know that he was cracking jokes for Zack to make him laugh. I told him that his humor comes naturally. That it can help him through MANY things and that is a true gift.
Alex just curled onto my lap and hugged me. Rocking back and forth. "Mom, you took off your ring??? I didn't know you weren't going to be married anymore."
I told them all that this is going to be one step at a time. That they will get some say so too. That the only thing they can't do is change what's going to happen. They can help make it as easy as it can be. That they are allowed to ask for extra time with dad if they need it. They are allowed to ask for extra time with me if they need it. They are allowed to suggest what would be easiest for them. If those things are doable, that dad and I will do our very best to make it happen.
I told them, that this will not be an excuse to get bad grades or be mean. That the fighting in this house was going to be stopping now. That dad & I love them and that will NEVER EVER change.
Those boys are exceptional.
They are truly my entire heart.
disclaimer
In no way does the last post indicate that I'm succeeding, in any way, at being the woman I want to be.
I refuse
I refuse to be "that" woman.
The bitter one
The one who always has the snide comment
The one whose unsuccessful marriage defines her
I want to be the woman
That rises above
Who is strong for her kids
Yet takes no shit
The one who makes holidays the best
Celebrations positive
Birthdays special
For the kids...in spite of the raw pain
I need to expect nothing
From anyone except myself
Relying on friends
Only as friends
I want no crutch
I need to stand on my own
Validating my own worth myself
Creating a home made by ME
I want as little chaos as possible
I have no idea how to be that woman yet
I have no idea how to make it through the next hour
let alone the next day
week
month
year
I have to
That is the only thing that I'm sure of.
The rest is a jumbled mess inside of my brain.
The bitter one
The one who always has the snide comment
The one whose unsuccessful marriage defines her
I want to be the woman
That rises above
Who is strong for her kids
Yet takes no shit
The one who makes holidays the best
Celebrations positive
Birthdays special
For the kids...in spite of the raw pain
I need to expect nothing
From anyone except myself
Relying on friends
Only as friends
I want no crutch
I need to stand on my own
Validating my own worth myself
Creating a home made by ME
I want as little chaos as possible
I have no idea how to be that woman yet
I have no idea how to make it through the next hour
let alone the next day
week
month
year
I have to
That is the only thing that I'm sure of.
The rest is a jumbled mess inside of my brain.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
3am
I wakened to an orange sky
In the middle of the night
Snow
Windy
Cold
Snuggled with my pillow
Unable to keep my eyes shut
Out of bed
by 3 AM
My house is silent
except for the blower on the heater,
the wind at the back door,
and the clicking of my keys
True peace
Or
Deafening silence
Coffee at 3AM
Lexapro on the side
In the middle of the night
Snow
Windy
Cold
Snuggled with my pillow
Unable to keep my eyes shut
Out of bed
by 3 AM
My house is silent
except for the blower on the heater,
the wind at the back door,
and the clicking of my keys
True peace
Or
Deafening silence
Coffee at 3AM
Lexapro on the side
Friday, January 2, 2009
vacation
So, I've been researching a site called www.surforsound.com for rentals on the outer banks. Found some seriously good deals in Avon. I'm going to bring my laptop tonight to see if we can make some plans. This stuff won't be available much longer, I'm sure.
It seems to be cheaper to each rent our own house. A LOT cheaper in some cases. We also won't have to worry about people trying to catch us doing "things" if we have our own places!!! *cough**PRINCESS**cough**BigS**cough*
If Chili's doesn't have WiFi, maybe we can hit Starbucks or Panera afterwards???
It seems to be cheaper to each rent our own house. A LOT cheaper in some cases. We also won't have to worry about people trying to catch us doing "things" if we have our own places!!! *cough**PRINCESS**cough**BigS**cough*
If Chili's doesn't have WiFi, maybe we can hit Starbucks or Panera afterwards???
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