pics of the apartment

Caleb & Zack's room



Alex's room



My room



Bathroom



Kitchen/DR/LR

fair

It's not fair to Zachary to not be able to get ready for his ceremony this morning. I know that. I know it's not fair to him to be dreading seeing his father today. This day needs to be about his successful completion of grade school...not what's happening in my life.

The things happening are all so different and big sometimes, it's easy to overlook the obvious.

I will go today. I will see him. I will clap for my son and be proud! I will hurt inside like most days. I will do my best to see it through. I will come home, pack, purge, and ready my family.

Fuck one day at a time...it's minute to minute.

June, 3rd 1995

Well, today is my 14th anniversary.

Odd.

I asked Mikehole what he was getting me. I figured a nice anniversary ring would be nice. He didn't go for it.

I think, on this day, is the day I need to take my wedding gown to donate. I think today is the day to make my physical choices to end it.

I'd sign the papers today, if I could afford to do so.

14 years married. 5 years dating. 2 years of friendship. Over half of my life.

I have my sons. Wouldn't trade them.

They are my world, even if I don't show it in the best ways.
They are my inspiration to make it...and not just survive...BUT THRIVE!
They are the reason I am able to get out of bed in the morning...and the only reason I am motivated to do a damn thing.

I love my sons.

My history with Michael wasn't always bad. I had a rough few years, I don't know that I've ever recovered from them fully. I don't know. What I do know, is that I think things could have been done differently by both of us. What...I'm not sure. It does take two to make or break things.

I also know that I'm more comfortable now. That it is nice to not have to hear what I've not done. That it's more peaceful in my house overall. That I don't regret the friendships I've made against his will. He called them "emotional affairs". I don't know that he knows what a friend really is...and I think that's really sad for him.

So, happy anniversary Mikehole. Cheers. Here's to new beginnings...and good riddance...for both of us.

strrrressssssss

eating drinking
sleeping dying
tasting
bitterness

laughing crying
hoping wondering
escaping
everything

teaching hugging
loving holding
fixing
anything

hopeful worried
scared excited
moving
alone

what tomorrow looks like

It's beyond my ability
to perceive the future
in front of me

It's beside my heart
that this life sits
and waits for you

It's inside the time
spent alone together
that makes me smile

It's the hope in love
that keeps me focused
in the truth

What keeps it going
is you

Inside my heart
Within my life
Today and always
you