SOoooooo long

Yes, it's been forever but my (now 8hr away) friend, Wendi, sparked my interest in saying a thing or two.

If someone ever asked you to go to McDonalds for an hour to ease the mind of a best friend...would you?

Yep, me too.

No matter what.

I'd go.

Some people are so wrapped up in things that the nightmares of others aren't even secondary to their own needs, they are completely last.

Meh

I'm getting used to it.

This whole "alone" thing is not something that people truly understand. If you've never been a single parent, please don't bother telling me about the time your husband went fishing for the weekend and you had to mind your own children for SOOoooo long!

Sigh

I'm not one to complain or allow myself to be bitter, but I do get frustrated with people who either believe they understand, or make it out to be easier than it is.

There are so many things that people don't think about when they are a couple with children...I didn't think of those things either.

Things as simple as being able to make a plan to go dinner with friends becomes an ordeal. For me, in part, this is because my prior "better half" is not extremely accommodating or consistant when it comes to him having the boys.

ONCE in the 11 months he's been gone, he's had them for a full 24 hours.

Imagine that for real.

It's not a matter of a couple never being able to go away for more than 24 hours together. It's not a matter of being trapped in the house as a family. It's a matter of not having more than one day for me in an entire year.

He still picks on me when he comes over. Tells me that "I guess you do ok for someone with your issues". He tells me that he should NEVER be asked to do a load of laundry for the kids. He doesn't want to be a father anymore. He takes them for an average of 8 hours/week.

Yes, I get my breaks when the boys go to school. My "break" is also when I go to school, do laundry (have to go to the laundromat), go grocery shopping, and homework.

It also amazes me how many people have literally walked out of my life. I'm never sure if it's because they feel I complain now too much ( I truly try not to), or if they just don't feel comfortable with me now that I'm single and they're not.

A good portion of the ones still around give me "the look" when I happen to see them...you know the "poor thing" look. Sigh

Yeah, I just went on a rampage about lack of time for myself. But trust me, even if I had time to myself and someone actually wanted to spend time with me, the last thing I want to do is be around someone who looks down on me or pities me.

I'd LOVE understanding and respect for what I'm doing.

I don't need pity or disowned.

pics of the apartment

Caleb & Zack's room



Alex's room



My room



Bathroom



Kitchen/DR/LR

fair

It's not fair to Zachary to not be able to get ready for his ceremony this morning. I know that. I know it's not fair to him to be dreading seeing his father today. This day needs to be about his successful completion of grade school...not what's happening in my life.

The things happening are all so different and big sometimes, it's easy to overlook the obvious.

I will go today. I will see him. I will clap for my son and be proud! I will hurt inside like most days. I will do my best to see it through. I will come home, pack, purge, and ready my family.

Fuck one day at a time...it's minute to minute.

June, 3rd 1995

Well, today is my 14th anniversary.

Odd.

I asked Mikehole what he was getting me. I figured a nice anniversary ring would be nice. He didn't go for it.

I think, on this day, is the day I need to take my wedding gown to donate. I think today is the day to make my physical choices to end it.

I'd sign the papers today, if I could afford to do so.

14 years married. 5 years dating. 2 years of friendship. Over half of my life.

I have my sons. Wouldn't trade them.

They are my world, even if I don't show it in the best ways.
They are my inspiration to make it...and not just survive...BUT THRIVE!
They are the reason I am able to get out of bed in the morning...and the only reason I am motivated to do a damn thing.

I love my sons.

My history with Michael wasn't always bad. I had a rough few years, I don't know that I've ever recovered from them fully. I don't know. What I do know, is that I think things could have been done differently by both of us. What...I'm not sure. It does take two to make or break things.

I also know that I'm more comfortable now. That it is nice to not have to hear what I've not done. That it's more peaceful in my house overall. That I don't regret the friendships I've made against his will. He called them "emotional affairs". I don't know that he knows what a friend really is...and I think that's really sad for him.

So, happy anniversary Mikehole. Cheers. Here's to new beginnings...and good riddance...for both of us.

strrrressssssss

eating drinking
sleeping dying
tasting
bitterness

laughing crying
hoping wondering
escaping
everything

teaching hugging
loving holding
fixing
anything

hopeful worried
scared excited
moving
alone

what tomorrow looks like

It's beyond my ability
to perceive the future
in front of me

It's beside my heart
that this life sits
and waits for you

It's inside the time
spent alone together
that makes me smile

It's the hope in love
that keeps me focused
in the truth

What keeps it going
is you

Inside my heart
Within my life
Today and always
you

what purging looks like

This is the result of two days of cleaning out the boys' rooms. We also have a bunch of stuff to donate packed up too.

It's been a pain in the whooptee, but at least none of that crap is moving with us.

Since this pic, we've put two more big black bags full of garbage on the pile.

PURGE PURGE PURGE!!!!

It's OFFICIAL!

Moving day is 9am on June 6th. Kim's dad has graciously agreed to allow me to use his truck that day and he is going to drive it.

Hopefully, it won't take too long because I'm not moving a good deal of the big furniture from here.

I'm nervous and excited to have this set now. EEK!!!!

HHHHHHHHHHHHHEEEEELLLLLLPPP!!!!!

I'm officially moving. We are going to Hawksworth...no real other options. I will start my lease there as of June 1st. I am wondering if anyone can help me on the weekend of the 6th or 7th for a formal moving day? That would be right after testing, so I'm sure I can get a day off from TKD.

I can't promise anything yet, but I will promise a yummy treat of some sort within a reasonable amount of time to anyone who is willing to help.

*get your mind out of the gutter Tami!*

For Wendi Lou Who

This is a Chinese Yo-Yo. It's nothing like a snap bracelet. ;)

realizations

I've come to realize that I hate being in this house.
I hate looking at everything in it.
I hate seeing the holes in the walls, the cracks in the solid wooden doors.
I hate seeing the results of "us" here.

I've become more anxious to get the hell out of here.
Every Sunday (and some days in between) I seek a place to call "home".
Week after week, I barely find any to call on...let alone visit.
Found 2.
Lost both.

I'm ready to get out of here to a place where he doesn't know where the scissors are.
Where he doesn't feel it's his right to walk around and do as he pleases.
I need MY OWN place now.

I just haven't found it.
That frustrates me more and more.

Spinning wheels

ALL the stupid time.

I just want one stupid thing to work.

One thing that will give me and my sons some real security.

We need a home.

I suppose I thought you meant it
I suppose I thought I did too

Never would I have guessed
I question to regret or not

I assumed you'd be there
I thought it was real

Will it ever be real
Can I have that

Found or lost
houses are broken

Mistakes
Unforgiven

Both of us
Insecure

I have no answers
No reasons
No rights

Just a heart
wanting love

my mind swirls
intentions questioned
hearts torn
lives shattered

answers finding
life blinding
direction seeking
time fading

intensity heightened
release foolish
insanity creeping
depression grabbing

another diversion
friendly arousal
honesty taken
love never trusted

beating chests
battered brows
painful memories
giddy escape

help stops
alone always
lonely nights
overwhelming days

when
when

more happiness
when

resolve
when

answers
when

afraid of it all

confusion

did i just make it worse
better
in between

what i want
u want
we want

is it enough
is it right
is it time

to give up
what was lost
before

so much to ask
for you
as much as me

fear
guarded
hopeful

did you see
how much we laughed

2 years
and we laugh

like we've known
a lifetime
together

anxious
only to meet

comfortable
with you

a comfort
i cannot rely on

yet

ever

i know
do you

Mother's Day

My boys are so sweet. Cheerios, OJ, coffee, a cookie, a flower, and cards.

Maybe not as fancy as belgian waffles and bacon.

Maybe not as expensive as the necklace I got one year...or the ring another.

By far...more precious.

My boys are amazing.


They are adapting. They are realizing and recognizing.

"Twice as good as a normal mom.", it says in Zack's A-Z Mother's Day book he made.

"Life without you would totally suck", it states in the card Caleb chose.

"She takes me to the ATA". Alex put on his place mat.

So may wonderful things. I love my boys...and it's clear that they know it.


Happy Mother's Day to all of you too!!!

Decisions...decisions...decisions

I have an interview tomorrow. I am completely qualified for this job and feel I have a VERY great shot at getting it.

The problem is, I don't know how to do this. How do I pass up a full-time job with benefits? It's M-F, daylight.

My kids have a few weeks left of school. What do I do then? How do I leave them here, day after day, alone while I work?

Do I stick them in daycare? Jeeze, Caleb is 12!

Yeah, maybe we could stay in the house if I took a real job. But to what cost? I'd always only be qualified for this type of job and I would have to forgo my chance at an education. Getting an education would mean I could be home with my boys still for at least another two years.

Cl told me once, that the worst part about her parents divorcing was that it made her mom have to work and it took her away from her when she needed her the most.

I'm praying. I spent almost 3 hours with Pastor Ron @ Cornerstone today.

Everything seems so huge right now and I don't want to mess up anymore. I want to get it right.

He said to me..."How do you eat an elephant?...ONE BITE AT A TIME!"

I just don't know which bite to take...or how much I can chew.

I want to make the best choices and I feel I'm failing more than thriving.

blah

Talent Show 2009

Mason & Alex did a GREAT job doing TKD for the talent show again this year!!
Alex's glasses flew across the stage at the beginning, but he moved on and kicked TKD butt!!!! I'm a proud momma. :D

"Big Jerk"

That's what Alex just called me. He's been yelling at me for a good 15 minutes or so. He wants to know why I forced his dad to leave. He wants us to all live in the same house together again. He doesn't want to hear it's not going to happen.

"Dad is the good parent. He buys us everything. You are almost BROKE and he has ALL kinds of money because he lives with his parents!!!" "I want to live with dad because you only get us a little bit of stuff and he gets us everything!" "You made dad leave! It's your fault, mom."

I don't want to take these things personally but I'd be lying if I said they don't sting. I know his little brain is struggling with understanding such an adult situation.

"It doesn't matter if dad wants to drink, I like him better."



I just spent another half an hour talking with him. There is a part of me that is honored that he'll take this out on me. There is a theory, that you fight hardest with the people you trust the most to not leave you. Sort of the proverbial "you always hurt the ones you love".

It's hard to hear him saying that he loves dad better. That dad is awesome. That dad is the best parent.

Part of that comes from an innocence that I don't want to shatter...and I won't.

We played a game while we talked. We talked about "good things and bad things". We discussed that most things have both. Some things about mom are good. Some are bad. Some things about dad are good. Some things are bad. BOTH mom & dad LOVE him...no matter what. He is allowed to love BOTH of us...no matter what.

So, my stomach hurts. But, with each new situation this divorce brings, I remember more about the mom I was. The mom I always wanted to be. The mom I'd lost in the "referee mode" of my marriage. I was in constant damage control/protective actions mode.

Now, I'm "Mom". I can talk how I want. I can take them where I want. I can excuse things he didn't. I can make my own rules for them. I LOVE this opportunity. I hate the way it's come about, but I am thankful that I get to be the parent I wanted to be now.

I love my sons with all of my heart. I'm not trying to pretend that I'm not ever a "big jerk". I just want to be the best "big jerk" I can be...and I feel I'm well on my way.

candy mountain charlie

It had been a few years since I'd seen this. I can't help it, I totally crack up every time I watch it.

Shuuuuuunnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn the nonbelievers....shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhuuuuunnnnnn!!!!

cake topper

So, this is my wedding cake topper. I'm cleaning out my bedroom to prepare to move. I'm throwing away things I don't want...etc.

This is weird.

I don't know what to do with this. I am absolutely keeping the wedding album. It's got my FAVORITE pics of my dad and I in it. It was a fun day.

This, I just don't know what to do with. Do I throw it away...do I keep it?

I just don't know. Some things are hurtful to look at right now. Some things, I can almost distance myself enough from to not feel anything about it.

The cake topper...wow. I just don't know. I really loved it. We had a "gazebo" theme. It was perfect.

It's part of my life, the wedding and all. It's why I have my sons. But, to see those two people on there is sort of hard.

blah

Maybe I should donate it. Maybe someone would buy it for the porcelain figures and make something beautiful from it for their own wedding.

This day has been hard. Throwing away years of memories from my bedroom. I'm a pack rat. Today has been like a living nightmare of going through things and deciding what's worth moving and what's not.

Weird.

Almost surreal.

This whole year so far.

not that girl

I tried to have you listen to this song once. You said it sounded like someone whining and boo hooing on the stage. Yep. She is.

The story goes, she is completely attracted to this guy. He's amazing, handsome, wonderful...everything she dreams of. He's already dating a beautiful, popular, perfect woman. A woman that she knows that she cannot hold a candle to. She is singing about KNOWING that he felt something for her...but realizing that he will never allow himself to be seen with her. She's less than perfect. She's not beautiful. She's smart and amazing in her own right...but not enough. She tries to remind herself that she needs to keep her heart in check. That she knows she can't wish for him, but she aches. Her reality is that he'll never allow himself to love her because she's not good enough.

I've always felt this way. I bawled when I saw this on stage because I've never identified SO strongly with a character EVER. I am Elphaba...The Wicked Witch of the West.

In my life, this "less than enough" persona follows me and haunts me. I don't need people to tell me it's not true. I don't need told it's "self fulfilling prophecy". I don't want told that I'm wrong. I know me. I know my life.

I just want to say, that I think you should have shown me the respect I deserved when I asked you to listen to this song.

I wanted you to hear it.



I chose to post a version without the vocals because the broadway version is not available on youtube.

The Egyptian god of fertility

Caleb is into Egyptian artifacts, gods, and hieroglyphics. He knows an unfathomable amount about the stories behind the main gods and goddesses. He can tell you which one is who in old art. It's really rather amazing how much information he can spew forth at any given time.

So, he and I spent a good hour this evening, just looking up different Egyptian things and he'd tell me the back story. It was educational to say the least. He even has a favorite pharaoh...Ramses II.

He decided I should look up the Egyptian god of fertility. I knew, by his giggle, that he was up to no good.

Wow.

Min (as he was known) was apparently a dwarf of sorts. Um...except for "that certain part of the male anatomy"!

Old art even shows him...um...standing proud...

We discussed how nakedness in Egyptian art is commonplace...but society today often considers the human body a "bad" thing when naked. It was actually a good conversation.

But, we did laugh over the phallus of Min...who perhaps should have been "Max" instead.

Caleb reveled in the delight that one day, he could have a "rocket" like Min. He was, however, disturbed by the fact that Min had no "boys". He said that would be like "losing my best friends."

Hormones...

I thought they were bad for women.

EEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKK!


And for your viewing pleasure...a statue of "Min" (aka Max)

True Story

I figured, since Kiya is no longer with us, that I'd ask the next door neighbor if her doberman, Nas, wanted the rest of the rawhide bones and food we had left.

I kept watching for them to come out. I usually saw Nas every day. I told the boys to let me know if they saw him out or saw the parents.

Days went by.

See, Nas and Kiya were neighbors for 7 years. The boys always thought that Kiya had a crush on Nas. They thought it was fun to pretend they were married. It seemed fitting that her "spouse" should get what was left of her treats and food.

I finally saw Pam today. I stopped her and said "Does Nas eat rawhide?" She said "Nas isn't with us anymore."

:(

Nas was put down on Friday. He had a huge tumor behind his left eye. He started having seizures on Wednesday night and they put him down on Friday.

I told her that Kiya died on Tuesday.

It's a really odd twist of fate that they both died within days of the other. We sort of laughed that it almost made us feel better to know that they were still together.

Nas was 10.

Weird.

Tuesday

Well, it's here. The support hearing is tomorrow at 1pm. I'm a ball of nerves. So much rides on this. I find out tomorrow if I have to move my boys from their home. I find out tomorrow how much money I need to make and if I can go to school full time or not. I find out tomorrow what my future looks like. It's all in the hands of someone else.

I'm so nervous.

So, I'm marking my places in time.

It's a technique I've created for myself to endure something that I'm afraid to do.

I take it and divide it into manageable chunks and mentally reward myself as I pass a new marker.

Example:

After dinner tonight
Laying in bed
Waking up in the AM
Kids off to school
Finish paperwork for hearing
Get bath, ready
Leave for hearing
Sitting in courthouse
Called for hearing
hearing over
home


These are my marks in time that I will specifically point out to myself as I pass them.

It makes dinner the next hurdle instead of the hearing.

Make sense?

Yeah, I know that I'm nuts.

This is just something I do for me.

Like writing.

I tend to have verbal diarrhea when I'm nervous...

but you cannot tell...right? ;)

ENOUGH ALREADY!

This morning Kiya was not right. She didn't wake the boys up with me. She was laying around more than usual and didn't even sit by the door to be let out. When I called her and opened the back door, she struggled to get to it. She managed to pee, but fell into the table on the deck and stumbled back into the house. Zack noticed right away. Alex too. "Mom, something is not right and you need to take her to the vet", Zack told me. I told him if I didn't notice any difference in her behavior soon, that I would. I gave her an Advil and hoped the red mark under her leg was causing her to be sore and not walk right.

She was in the living room and sort of fell over by the end table. She would not be moved. I put a cover under her head and she didn't do anything for an hour and a half except pant and cry.

My sister was coming out for a day of "fun". When she got here, Kiya wagged her tail but made no effort to greet her. Anyone who knows Kiya, KNOWS she greets EVERYONE! We decided to seek out a vet hospital. Lynn called one and they didn't have any openings in the morning and they referred us to Dr. Beam.

We worked our butts off getting her into the back of Lynn's car. I used a blanket as a sling and helped support her body to get her to "walk" and get into the car.

When we got to the vet, it was over an hours wait. Finally, it was Kiya's turn. She barely budged and was clearly hurting and unable to walk.

The vet took about 2 minutes to feel around and say that she was "covered in cancer". Every lymph node was swollen. The red by her leg was actually a tumor. He said that the cancer had obviously just hit the part of her spine that finally caused her paralysis in her leg. He said he could biopsy it. We could try steroids. We could do chemo & radiation. Fact was, she would probably never recover.

I opted to let her go. I had to.

I did not expect to not bring her back home today.

He gave her a sedative and my sister and I petted her as he administered the last shot.

It was horrible.

As if my boys haven't lost enough. As if this family hasn't been through pure HELL lately...

Zack is devastated. Kiya was "his" dog. She loved all the boys, and all the boys loved her, but they had that connection.

I'm tired of this crap. Seriously tired. We need a break. Something to go our way. Something to give us REAL hope that lasts.

Yeah, I know...I'm supposed to have faith and trust. Well, perhaps I'm doing something really wrong because I'm trying and still failing.

Go ahead, tell me to read Job.

Not in the mood.

I've had enough. Enough for me and on behalf of my sons especially.

I've had enough.

Observation:

This post card on Postsecret.com spoke to me today. Fact is, it's no better putting your eggs in one basket, whether it's a person, or a drug. We need a lot of things and people to help us everyday. No ONE thing or person can take it all away. It's my own job to do the best for me at any given time. In turn, being my best rewards my kids, and everyone else around me.

Steaks

I've got 'em for anyone wanting to celebrate tomorrow.

Just sayin'...

I feel stupid - but I know it won't last for long
I've been guessing - and I coulda been guessin' wrong
You don't know me now
I kinda thought that you should somehow
Does that whole mad season got ya down?

Well I feel stupid, but it's something that comes and goes
I've been changin' - I think it's funny how no one knows
We don't talk about the little things that we do without
When that whole mad season comes around

So why you gotta stand there
Looking like the answer now?
It seems to me you'd come around
I need you now
Do you think you can cope?
You figured me out - that I'm lost and I'm hopeless
I'm bleeding and broken, though I've never spoken
I come undone in this mad season

I feel stupid, but I think I been catchin' on
I feel ugly, but I know I still turn you on
You've grown colder now, torn apart, angry, turned around
Will that whole mad season knock you down?

So are you gonna stand there
Are you gonna help me out?
We need to be together now
I need you now
Do you think you can cope?
You figured me out - that I'm lost and I'm hopeless
I'm bleeding and broken, though I've never spoken
I come undone in this mad season

And now I'm cryin'
Isn't that what you want?
And I'm tryin' to live my life on my own
But I won't, no,
At times I do believe I am strong
So someone tell me why, why, why
Do I, I, I feel stupid
And I come undone
And I come undone

I need you now
Do you think you can cope?
You figured me out - that I'm lost and I'm hopeless
I'm bleeding and broken though I've never spoken

Well I need you now
Do you think you can cope?
You figured me out - I'm a child and I'm hopeless
I'm bleeding and broken though I've never spoken
I come undone
I come undone in this mad season

In this mad season
It's been a mad season
Been a mad season

hair

When my boys were little, they always had a fascination with my long hair. They liked brushing it, trying to put ponytails into it, or just making horrible knots by twisting the brush through it.

Alex still does this at 7. Occasionally, Zack will want a turn when he sees Alex brushing my hair. He is almost 11.

Tonight Caleb, my 12 yo, sat behind me and brushed my hair. It was sweet and unexpected. He's struggling and needs some additional attention like the others do. I think it's more difficult for him to express this extra need, as he is the "oldest" and all.

This was, in my opinion, a chance to just sit and connect with mom without having to snuggle or hug or any of those "kid" things.

It's these little things that make me know I'm doing something right. That they feel comfortable enough to talk with me and touch.

Mom's of daughters may not go through this quite as much as we boy mom's do. I don't know. What I do know is that it's been a long time since Caleb wanted to sit that close.

I love that I will have a greater hand in the men that my sons become now. I love that anger and fighting doesn't rule this home any longer. I love that affection isn't scoffed at. I love that my sons can love their mom and not be intimidated to do so.

They are and will remain exceptional in my eyes.

I am proud of them every day.

Gah this crap gets old...

So, the car is dead.

I tried to have it jumped. It started then died. Then jumped again, ran, started, turned on the lights, dies. Repeat...

So, I think it's the alternator. I don't know when I'll be able to actually get it looked at because I blew all of my money buying, inspecting, registering, insuring, and having the oil changed on this thing.

Sometimes, the black cloud gets a little bit old. I'm hoping some wind blows it away for a bit. I could use some sunshine.

BLAH!

Back to the old drawing board...

I met with my lawyer again today. She advised me to refile for support for several reasons, the least of which being his attitude toward me buying food for the kids and me.

So, new hearing date is March 24th. Not too bad, I think.

I meet with Cornerstone on Tuesday regarding housing/job opportunities. I also need to start throwing in applications everywhere I can. It's difficult. Places don't often offer daytime full time jobs in the retail world.

I feel I'm making strides and getting somewhere though. I don't feel I'm spinning my wheels so much anymore. I have a court date, a car, and an acceptance into WCCC for the program I want. It's actually a lot for someone who's only been separated for 41 days! It feels so much longer!

My lawyer also advised me to not speak directly to Michael anymore. I'm fine with that. I can text him when I need to discuss anything.

I'm tired today...but I feel pretty good anyway.

Steps are being made. There is something to show for all of my work now. I am ready to move on. Just gotta know where, when, and my job situation. It will come in time. Hell, all I've got is time.

so much

Lining up
one by one

taking turns
only two hands

breathing life
and taking chances

wishes gone
reality abides

if it were today
could I do it right

when it comes tomorrow
will I overcome

uncertainty
insecurity

can you fix me
mold me

Some things I like
some
frivolity

pureness
not real

perfection
unattainable

where do I meet
the two

how do I grasp
the future

in time
it will make sense

with you
perhaps without

so many dreams
relied on US

now
I

me

just me

weird

MOBILE!

YAY! My new/old car passed inspection this morning with NO problems AT ALL! YIPPIE! I am SO excited to be able to go anywhere/anytime now! No more begging for rides, no more asking to use the van. No more!

I took the boys out to dinner last night in it. I was legal for 10 days without an inspection because I just purchased it. So, we went to Steak N Shake. Then, we went to Petco and just walked around looking at all of the animals. Then, we went to Walmart to buy Kiya some rawhide bones for her birthday. :D

It was so nice. The kids were excited and I was THRILLED to be able to provide for them MYSELF! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!

Are you picking up on how excited I am about this??? I'm REALLY EXCITED!!!!!!

2nd post in ONE day!

I couldn't resist...this is priceless...

Memory Lane With Jimmy

I was honored to have The Mythical (and Magical) Mr. Richert as a chauffeur again today. He took me grocery shopping, to the recycle bins where he totally dumpster dove and found moving boxes!!, Then we went to Plum Borough.

See, there's this car and I called about it and he said "Let's go see it now...wanna?"

His casual attitude and willingness to drive my ass all over the place and listen to me stress and ramble have been unparalleled. As it turned out, the house was right by my old grade school in my old neighborhood. It was a bitter sweet walk down memory lane. We passed Burger King hill and saw the YMCA. We passed the Wendy's that my dad used to have me go to get him bacon cheeseburgers. We drove by the fire hall and the beer distributor. There's a lot of new stuff there now. There's a lot gone. He told the guy selling the car that he was just "eye candy". It was a promising test drive.

He helped me put things in perspective and made me laugh.

Hopefully, I won't need these chauffeur days for much longer...but I'm thoroughly enjoying them while they last. It's amazing to hear a man who doesn't let everything phase him and send him into an irrational rage. Even for things that he could be angry about, such as a customer yelling so loudly that I can hear her, he keeps his calm and wins her over by the end of the call. Seems everyone needs the Mythical Mr. Richert. His phone never stops when he's driving me places, but even when I give him directions over his TomTom, he smirks and goes my way.

Calm is something I often lack right now. It's a blessing to be around it when I'm doing these tasks that I never thought I'd have to do.

Thank you, Curt. I wind up saying it several times every day you drive me around. It just doesn't feel like enough for what you've done for me.

And Wendi, thank you for being so willing to share your man slave with me. I do my best to tire him out for ya.

life

Sitting on my couch
noticing
out the window
black

there

not there

can't catch it


there

not there

what is that?


there

not there

i refuse to look again!


watching intently

I see

a bird

straw in it's beak

building a nest on my front porch


Life

at my house

continues



inside


outisde

fear

it encompasses me
daily
when nothing
is at stake
but ordering a pizza

at it's height now
trying to break me
the voices
that say
I can't do this
haunt me

i have no luxury
to fail
i have no idea
how to do this
work
school
mom

i'm lonely
i'm scared
i pray
for direction
and strength
and wisdom
and peace

today
i'm scared
i'm sad
i'm nervous

my mind entertains
the "what ifs"
i know I cannot
endure

agh
for this brain
to work
in peace
with the soul
that wants to trust

i want to have faith
security

so much to consider
so little to do now

leaps of faith
they are called

i feel i was pushed

Goodwill and such...

My lawyer advised me to try and work on a deal with Michael. She said retracting my request for support is ok as long as we know what we want instead. So, I will walk up to the court house tomorrow morning and give them a letter to do just that.

I'm trying to trust that God's hand must be in this...as nothing else has worked so far. He is to have his lawyer draw up a proposal and he will give it to my lawyer for us to review. After that, we will have it made legal by some Westmoreland County magic of some sort.

I'm hoping this will happen quickly because everything else I need to do is dependent on this paperwork being done.

My lawyer says it's an act of goodwill on our part and we should give it a try.

ok

It's not exactly how I expected things to go down, but I'm willing to try to work with it and see it through.

I know everyone will say I'm insane but she thinks it's the right thing to do. I gotta trust her...and him.

One thing at a time...

This weekend I applied to college in the fall. EEK! I'm not sure if that will pan out or not, but I had to take that leap and give myself a chance to see if I can do it. I also shot my, freshly done resume out to several businesses and ads from the Sunday paper's want ads. I'm really not sure where God is going to take me. If I'll be a full time worker, part time student, full time student, part time worker. It's scary. A lot to take on at one time. I want to be a positive example for my kids. I need to be able to show them that I can do this and be ok.

I crash hard every few days. I hope in time that the crashes will be less frequent.

I cannot say enough about the wonderful friends I have supporting me. It's been such a blessing to receive encouragement and support from all corners of the world...literally!!!

It's been that prayer and support that has kept me from staying down. It's what has brought me back to my feet. I'm blessed beyond words. "Thank you" seems so trivial in light of the effect these people have made on my life right now.

I'm tired and I try to focus on the most important task at hand at any given moment. When I allow myself to scatter my thoughts, it's too overwhelming.

Wednesday is the support hearing. He wants for me to retract my request for support, and work on a deal. I am waiting to hear from my lawyer if this is smart or insane.

So far, no car, no job, no sure place to live. But tomorrow my 12yo will wake me up by opening my door and singing to me. My 10yo will help me make dinner. My 7yo will read his book to me. Those will be the most important things in my day. Those will be the things that help me focus. They will continue to be my motivation to be the best mom I can be...no matter what...

Caleb's duck shaped bruise

Yeah, this is old but it's still good. Hehehe...

Leslie needs...

I got this on Facebook and it was so hysterical that I had to post it here too. It's fun...give it a try!

Type your name into Google with the word needs in quotes. For example: "(your name here) needs". Write the first 10 results in a post.

1) Leslie needs a fat reality cheque

2) Leslie needs to catch up with Obama web savy campaign

3) Leslie needs to learn to stop trying to de everything at once... Probably true!

4) Leslie Needs Lots of Attention

5) Leslie needs a home

6) Leslie Needs More People

7) Leslie needs only to win the Twin Cities Marathon in Minneapolis, Minnesota on October 2nd.

8) LESLIE, Needs some love, good project for guitarist!!

9) Leslie needs people like you to do some meaningful work

10) Leslie needs you to prance in one of those (academy uniforms again ;-))

heh heh heh

Lord knows...

Lord knows that I am trying. I refuse to fall into this "bitch" persona of the ex-wife. I am tired. I am livid. I am doing my best to do the things necessary for my sons.

So, let me tell you a little story that shows what I'm dealing with.

I got a call yesterday morning asking (again) why the bank shows one balance and I say there is a -20 balance. I explained (again) that some things haven't cleared yet. Some things are auto drafted. You have to have the money available in the bank for the due date of those things.

I told him that I was depositing a $200 check that my sister gave me as a loan. With that money, I would transfer 175 of it to open my new checking account. I'd leave 25 to cover the negative balance that would occur if everything outstanding would come out.

He told me not to touch that account. That I had no business in it. I said that I was still on it and he cannot tell me that. I said this would effect my credit too if things overdrafted and I am taking care of it.

I decided to deposit $50 into the joint checking because the boys needed valentine cards for school. I told him I did this.

He took the boys for valentines. Zack was not happy about the ones he got. He said the ones he really wanted had 16 in each pack and dad wasn't willing to buy him two packs.

When I checked the joint account this morning, I became livid.

Not only did he spend almost $50 at Walmart. He spent $17 at EatNPark. To top it off, he spent $110 at a jewelery store.

This means that, when the gas bill is auto drafted, it will overdraft.

So, the new girlfriend will have a VD gift...but the kids won't have heat.

Nice.

I'm seriously not sure how to deal with all of this. I cannot thank you all enough for the support and things you have done for me and the boys.

My life is SO blessed by all of you. Thank you SOOOOOoooooo much. It's days like this, when something rough happens, then I get a call of help and support, that I remember how blessed I still am.

Wendi's "fill in the blanks" thingie.

Outside my window...
is a new window waiting for me.

I am thinking...
in circles.

I am thankful for...
My friends, My kids, My family.

From the kitchen...
The dirty dishes beckon.

I am wearing...
NO PANTS!

I am creating...
a new life for my sons.

I am going...
to get my resume together today.

I am hearing...
a thumping in my head. Not sure if it's my brain trying to get out or what.

I am hoping...
things fall into place soon.

Around the house...
is clutter that will all have to be cleaned up soon enough.

One of my favorite things...
is ice cream.



I'm so damn tired. I can't sleep enough these days. I have my resume to work on today. I don't remember the specific dates that I worked at places anymore. It's been FOREVER. But, I must have something somewhere. I have to call some more apartments. I need to get out of here. Zack is REALLY worried about Kiya. He spent some time crying last night about the probability of losing her. I promised if we can have dogs at the new place, he'll have one. I also promised that if we aren't allowed pets, that he can have a turtle or some other slimy type creature. He needs a pet. I just don't know where Kiya will go yet. :( Anyone know anyone who wants a good, but HUGE dog??? :(

A car, a job, a ride...

I am desperate for a vehicle as Michael has told me that he will no longer allow me to use it for therapy.

He said "I will not be driving your asses around for groceries and things".

asses...implying the kids??? When I asked him, he said he will still take them places.

He's also decided to open his own checking account and not allow me any access to any funds anymore. I asked if he would be giving us any money for food out of the next paycheck and he said he wasn't sure yet.

I NEED to get a job. I cannot get a job until I have a vehicle. Even if someone is willing or able to drive me to RT30 tomorrow morning, and drop me off at the first dealership on the strip, I'll go from one to the next until SOMEONE sells me something.

I am begging help from anyone able to help me.

I need to go to a bank and open my own checking account. I need to go to therapy at 130 tomorrow. I need to go to a car dealership. My family lives too far and Lynn is really the only one able to help...and she already works two jobs, goes to school, and takes care of my mom.

If anyone has any ideas, or is willing to help me until I can get to the support hearing on the 25th, I'd appreciate it VERY VERY much.

I've been blessed

So many people have been so supportive to me and the boys.

I am humbled by the kindness and love I've been shown.

From a free hairdo, to hugs, to movie tickets, to groceries, to rides, to prayers, to listening to me cry.

I cannot thank people enough.

What I can say, is that friends are priceless...and you reap what you sow.

ya know...

I really hate to complain here, but I think I'm done with the stress now.

I think I've been handed enough for a day or two.

From affairs, to divorce, to money worries, to car accidents, to crying children, to the flu, to the 911 incident (don't ask), to taking kids to work with me, to trying to be as strong and self sufficient as possible. From making call after call. Being told that I don't qualify, I can't get that benefit, I need to go here or there. Everyday, EVERYDAY I'm struggling and forcing myself to do so many things that I can barely keep my eyes open. My brain wants to shut down. People ask how I'm so calm.

HA

They don't see me in bed at night...when I'm finally free to lose it.

I am about at my limit.

I'm feeling beyond overwhelmed.

Fact is, no one can take any of it away. Nothing is going to change anything.

I feel I go one step forward and 10 steps back.

Wendi, every damn time I put another lego on the structure, some mean kid knocks it back down and I crumble with it.

I can only be so strong. I'm not feeling very able.

People can say that I am strong, or that I'll be ok. People love to tell me how things will only get better.

Honestly, things are going to get so much worse before there's any hope.

I'm beginning to face that we will lose the house. As much as I don't like the house, I'd do just about anything to maintain that security for the boys. I just don't know how I could possibly do that at my education level.

I hate that I have to take them somewhere else. That I have to move them from their rooms. They are in such upheaval anyway. I just want to give them something solid.

I feel I have nothing to offer.

I've never felt so helpless in my life as a parent.

Yeah, it's been a really rough few days again. I see no sunshine in the near future either.

Hoping for some...but I am not feeling it's even possible.

long day

Between the kids being off because of weather, AWANA being canceled, and being officially served my divorce papers today, it's been a horribly long day.

I've accomplished nothing except keeping from losing it completely in front of the boys.

I feel as though the rug is being pulled from underneath me. That the ground is crumbling. I know people tell me that I have a choice about how I'm dealing. Honestly, I don't believe that I do.

I HAVE to be the one to take care of the boys 24/7. I HAVE to be the one who helps every night with homework. I HAVE to be the one to make sure they have meals...with a dwindling budget. I HAVE to be the one to look into programs and counseling for them. I HAVE to be the one to ensure they have clean clothing every day. I HAVE to get a full time job in addition.

I have no choices at this time.

They've already been rocked. I will NOT be the one who pulls out their rug...who crumbles their ground.

So, I have papers now. I have an accident claim to deal with. I have a lawyer to visit. I have bills to pay with less money than I need. I have grocery shopping to do. I have laundry to wash. I have meals to make.

Surprisingly, the accident and lawyer are the only parts I didn't already do.

It's the dealing with the continuing questions from my boys. It's the extra time and hugs I'm trying to provide. It's the concern that I won't be able to pay the water bill this month. It's the worry that I will have to take my sons from their home because of this.

I'm doing my best.

I'm hanging from my fingernails.

My sons are my priority and I have to change everything they are comfortable with to make a home for them.

I'm bitter about that.

But, when this is all said and done, when the papers are all signed. When I succeed at creating a place for my sons that doesn't involve screaming and violence, THAT is when I'll know that I succeeded.

I went on a search

I went looking for a picture of my Yoda cake to show Benjy. I found it. Here it is.



I also came across one of my VERY favorite pictures that Caleb ever drew. The assignment, in Kindergarten, was to write what you felt you would be doing in the spring. Caleb my sweet, then dyslexic, son drew this. It will be shown to ALL of his potential girlfriends.



He was caught ribling his dick that spring...I'm sure of it.

The "D" word

So, he saw a lawyer this morning. Paperwork is filled out and I will be served within about a week.

It's been 18 days.

A 20 year relationship, gone for the most part, in 18 days.

Seems a bit of a whirlwind but I suppose things have been crumbling for a while.

I have some tentative plans for myself. I want to go back to school and become something. I want to be able to support myself and my kids. I want to show them that adversity is not a reason to give up.

I found a course for an associates degree at WCCC. I'd like to start in the fall. Hopefully, that will work out and I'll be on the Geek Squad in no time.

I considered being a librarian, as I do own the glasses for it, but the Dewey Decimal system never really did it for me.

3 days

In the past three days, I've done more than I probably have in the past month. Feeling I need to get my things in order has become important to me.
For the first time in my married life, I feel free to make my own decisions about how I run this house. I don't have to be concerned that I didn't do enough. I don't have to worry that someone is angry that I got Wendy's instead of cooking.
I can do what I please. My step is confident in this house now. I'm not living up to anyone else's expectations. I'm living up to what I feel is best for my sons.
No more worrying that it isn't enough. That it isn't right. That I'll hear that I did nothing.

I can now focus on what is truly important. Not the overwhelming tone of negativity and disapproval.

These past three days have been hell.

These past three days have made me feel that I can do this.

That I will succeed.

That no matter what possessions change hands, I have my sons and they are happy with me.

I washed all of their bedding today. They all thanked me and were excited to sleep on clean fresh sheets.

There's something about going to bed in the comfort of clean sheets, that makes you just feel secure. I want them to feel secure.

They may not remember that I washed their sheets three days after dad left, but I will.

Good luck!

SC and ES and CTP and Princess and all the various and a sundry children!

BS, sorry you have to sit without me this time. I can't wait to see some pics! :D

16 random facts about me.

1. I LOVE mint chocolate chip ice cream with melted peanut butter on top.
2. I have two pieces of a dead person in my neck.
3. I live amongst organized chaos. Yes, I'm one of those "cluttery" people. EEK!
4. Baking is something I pride myself on. I LOVE post consumption feedback. :D
5. I won a "national hunting and fishing" coloring contest when I was in first grade. I drew a picture of my dad and I fishing...which we'd never done. hahaha
6. I used to believe I was the little girl on the back of the "Golden Books"
7. There was a kingdom in the closet of the room I shared with my sister growing up. It had a invisible bunnies.
8. I have a pretty good IQ, but got bad grades.
9. I LOVE to swim. Nothing feels quite like being in the water.
10. My secret dream is to become a doula. I LOVE learning facts about labor and delivery, sharing them, and helping women realize that pregnancy is NOT a sickness. It's an event!
11. Drunk driving irks me beyond what I can explain.
12. I do not believe in the death penalty.
13. Nobody mixed a salad like my daddy.
14. I suffer from dreams so disturbing that they could be movies.
15. I am a PROUD flag waver and I don't care if that bothers anyone.
16. People either hate me or love me. There is almost no exception.

Um...WOW

Needle Sized Art Very incredible story! Not only is this mans art cool but he got a ton of cash for it!

Is there ANY chance...

That anyone has this on Guitar Hero??? NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA!!!!

my kids

They are amazing.

They know now.

They aren't going to school tomorrow.

They are sleeping in Zack's room.

Watching Star Wars.

We talked for over an hour at bedtime.

"Mom, do you know the 10 commandments???" Zack asked.

"Mom, the Bible says that you should never divorce unless someone does "that" with another woman." was Caleb's contribution.

"Mom, It's ok". Said Alex

How odd to have them try to comfort me.

They asked if they were going to have a step-dad. I told them that is the VERY LAST thing from my mind right now.

Zack told me that he asks for forgiveness for his sins every night when he prays. I told him that it is a very mature thing to recognize when you've sinned and want forgiven. That I was proud of him.

Caleb wanted me to know that he was cracking jokes for Zack to make him laugh. I told him that his humor comes naturally. That it can help him through MANY things and that is a true gift.

Alex just curled onto my lap and hugged me. Rocking back and forth. "Mom, you took off your ring??? I didn't know you weren't going to be married anymore."

I told them all that this is going to be one step at a time. That they will get some say so too. That the only thing they can't do is change what's going to happen. They can help make it as easy as it can be. That they are allowed to ask for extra time with dad if they need it. They are allowed to ask for extra time with me if they need it. They are allowed to suggest what would be easiest for them. If those things are doable, that dad and I will do our very best to make it happen.

I told them, that this will not be an excuse to get bad grades or be mean. That the fighting in this house was going to be stopping now. That dad & I love them and that will NEVER EVER change.

Those boys are exceptional.

They are truly my entire heart.

disclaimer

In no way does the last post indicate that I'm succeeding, in any way, at being the woman I want to be.

I refuse

I refuse to be "that" woman.
The bitter one
The one who always has the snide comment
The one whose unsuccessful marriage defines her

I want to be the woman
That rises above
Who is strong for her kids
Yet takes no shit

The one who makes holidays the best
Celebrations positive
Birthdays special
For the kids...in spite of the raw pain

I need to expect nothing
From anyone except myself
Relying on friends
Only as friends

I want no crutch

I need to stand on my own
Validating my own worth myself
Creating a home made by ME

I want as little chaos as possible

I have no idea how to be that woman yet

I have no idea how to make it through the next hour
let alone the next day
week
month
year

I have to

That is the only thing that I'm sure of.

The rest is a jumbled mess inside of my brain.

3am

I wakened to an orange sky
In the middle of the night

Snow

Windy

Cold

Snuggled with my pillow
Unable to keep my eyes shut

Out of bed
by 3 AM

My house is silent
except for the blower on the heater,
the wind at the back door,
and the clicking of my keys

True peace
Or
Deafening silence

Coffee at 3AM
Lexapro on the side

vacation

So, I've been researching a site called www.surforsound.com for rentals on the outer banks. Found some seriously good deals in Avon. I'm going to bring my laptop tonight to see if we can make some plans. This stuff won't be available much longer, I'm sure.

It seems to be cheaper to each rent our own house. A LOT cheaper in some cases. We also won't have to worry about people trying to catch us doing "things" if we have our own places!!! *cough**PRINCESS**cough**BigS**cough*

If Chili's doesn't have WiFi, maybe we can hit Starbucks or Panera afterwards???