I refuse

I refuse to be "that" woman.
The bitter one
The one who always has the snide comment
The one whose unsuccessful marriage defines her

I want to be the woman
That rises above
Who is strong for her kids
Yet takes no shit

The one who makes holidays the best
Celebrations positive
Birthdays special
For the kids...in spite of the raw pain

I need to expect nothing
From anyone except myself
Relying on friends
Only as friends

I want no crutch

I need to stand on my own
Validating my own worth myself
Creating a home made by ME

I want as little chaos as possible

I have no idea how to be that woman yet

I have no idea how to make it through the next hour
let alone the next day
week
month
year

I have to

That is the only thing that I'm sure of.

The rest is a jumbled mess inside of my brain.