Today

Today he chose to ask again about when
Today he chose to say he's done so much already
Today he chose to ask what I've done
Today he chose to bring me down

Just like yesterday

Why I still allow him to dictate and arouse my ire, I'll never know.

I made a commitment to not be a bitter woman.
I promised myself and my kids to not be "her."

I am at a very angry stage of this process and it's difficult.

Difficult to hold my tongue.
Difficult to not stab at him with words.
Difficult to hold true to myself.
Difficult to forgive.

It's all part of the process, I know.

But I don't like this person I'm being.
I'm not an angry soul by nature or choice.

Something in this has brought out the worst in my character.
It's almost uncontrollable at times and I don't like that.

I've always tried to keep the boats steady and the waters calm.

I need to soften the winds inside of me
And steer back to the high road I've deferred from


So much easier said than done right now
As the process comes to a head
it feels my emotions spike with it

I want it over
Yet dread the day

good luck

I'm feeling extremely alone. I feel like I'm trying but between school and the kids and homework and life, I have no time. I'd love to do something for myself but there's nothing I can afford. There's no way he'll take the boys if I just want time. I have been slammed this semester with a ton of homework too. I don't much feel there's anyone out there who truly wants to spend time with me anyhow. I try to initiate lunch or coffee with people but it's all falling through. I'm not sure if it's me or just life is too busy for them too...

Either way, I'm hurting and wishing for some companionship.

Good luck to me.

care

When someone says "I care about you." What is that supposed to exactly mean? Seriously, I care about taking a shower. I care about what's for dinner. I care about starving Ethiopians. You can care for an elderly friend. You can care for an open wound. You can care for Italian salad dressing and not care for French. You can send a care package care of someone who cares!

Please! Lets be a bit more descriptive when expressing our feelings. Thank you!

Frustrated

With everything.

I'm tired of school but I am terrified to be done and attempt to get a job.
I'm tired of not having a social life and but terrified to date.
I'm tired of having no money but terrified to be responsible for it all myself.

I'm tired of not mattering
I'm tired of being last
I'm tired of being taken for granted
I'm tired of feeling lost

I get this way now and again.

Right now, I'm extremely this way.

More than anything, I'd like to hide away...but I also know no one would bother trying to find me.

How's that for feeling alone?

I guess I'd like to matter more...but no one can make someone else choose that. It's out of my hands. Not that I actually want to control how others feel about me. I just want them to want to love me for real. I never thought that was too much to ask but I think I was wrong.