what purging looks like

This is the result of two days of cleaning out the boys' rooms. We also have a bunch of stuff to donate packed up too.

It's been a pain in the whooptee, but at least none of that crap is moving with us.

Since this pic, we've put two more big black bags full of garbage on the pile.

PURGE PURGE PURGE!!!!

It's OFFICIAL!

Moving day is 9am on June 6th. Kim's dad has graciously agreed to allow me to use his truck that day and he is going to drive it.

Hopefully, it won't take too long because I'm not moving a good deal of the big furniture from here.

I'm nervous and excited to have this set now. EEK!!!!

HHHHHHHHHHHHHEEEEELLLLLLPPP!!!!!

I'm officially moving. We are going to Hawksworth...no real other options. I will start my lease there as of June 1st. I am wondering if anyone can help me on the weekend of the 6th or 7th for a formal moving day? That would be right after testing, so I'm sure I can get a day off from TKD.

I can't promise anything yet, but I will promise a yummy treat of some sort within a reasonable amount of time to anyone who is willing to help.

*get your mind out of the gutter Tami!*

For Wendi Lou Who

This is a Chinese Yo-Yo. It's nothing like a snap bracelet. ;)

realizations

I've come to realize that I hate being in this house.
I hate looking at everything in it.
I hate seeing the holes in the walls, the cracks in the solid wooden doors.
I hate seeing the results of "us" here.

I've become more anxious to get the hell out of here.
Every Sunday (and some days in between) I seek a place to call "home".
Week after week, I barely find any to call on...let alone visit.
Found 2.
Lost both.

I'm ready to get out of here to a place where he doesn't know where the scissors are.
Where he doesn't feel it's his right to walk around and do as he pleases.
I need MY OWN place now.

I just haven't found it.
That frustrates me more and more.

Spinning wheels

ALL the stupid time.

I just want one stupid thing to work.

One thing that will give me and my sons some real security.

We need a home.

I suppose I thought you meant it
I suppose I thought I did too

Never would I have guessed
I question to regret or not

I assumed you'd be there
I thought it was real

Will it ever be real
Can I have that

Found or lost
houses are broken

Mistakes
Unforgiven

Both of us
Insecure

I have no answers
No reasons
No rights

Just a heart
wanting love

my mind swirls
intentions questioned
hearts torn
lives shattered

answers finding
life blinding
direction seeking
time fading

intensity heightened
release foolish
insanity creeping
depression grabbing

another diversion
friendly arousal
honesty taken
love never trusted

beating chests
battered brows
painful memories
giddy escape

help stops
alone always
lonely nights
overwhelming days

when
when

more happiness
when

resolve
when

answers
when

afraid of it all

confusion

did i just make it worse
better
in between

what i want
u want
we want

is it enough
is it right
is it time

to give up
what was lost
before

so much to ask
for you
as much as me

fear
guarded
hopeful

did you see
how much we laughed

2 years
and we laugh

like we've known
a lifetime
together

anxious
only to meet

comfortable
with you

a comfort
i cannot rely on

yet

ever

i know
do you

Mother's Day

My boys are so sweet. Cheerios, OJ, coffee, a cookie, a flower, and cards.

Maybe not as fancy as belgian waffles and bacon.

Maybe not as expensive as the necklace I got one year...or the ring another.

By far...more precious.

My boys are amazing.


They are adapting. They are realizing and recognizing.

"Twice as good as a normal mom.", it says in Zack's A-Z Mother's Day book he made.

"Life without you would totally suck", it states in the card Caleb chose.

"She takes me to the ATA". Alex put on his place mat.

So may wonderful things. I love my boys...and it's clear that they know it.


Happy Mother's Day to all of you too!!!

Decisions...decisions...decisions

I have an interview tomorrow. I am completely qualified for this job and feel I have a VERY great shot at getting it.

The problem is, I don't know how to do this. How do I pass up a full-time job with benefits? It's M-F, daylight.

My kids have a few weeks left of school. What do I do then? How do I leave them here, day after day, alone while I work?

Do I stick them in daycare? Jeeze, Caleb is 12!

Yeah, maybe we could stay in the house if I took a real job. But to what cost? I'd always only be qualified for this type of job and I would have to forgo my chance at an education. Getting an education would mean I could be home with my boys still for at least another two years.

Cl told me once, that the worst part about her parents divorcing was that it made her mom have to work and it took her away from her when she needed her the most.

I'm praying. I spent almost 3 hours with Pastor Ron @ Cornerstone today.

Everything seems so huge right now and I don't want to mess up anymore. I want to get it right.

He said to me..."How do you eat an elephant?...ONE BITE AT A TIME!"

I just don't know which bite to take...or how much I can chew.

I want to make the best choices and I feel I'm failing more than thriving.

blah