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Not even two more days now. I'm crying at the drop of a hat. It takes nothing at all to create that place of sadness. I've got so many damned questions. None that can be answered. It's not something I really want to go through this week. I'd like to erase Wednesday from the calendar.

I'm in that state of mind, where everything is overwhelming. Nothing feels calm or easy. I don't have the strength to accomplish anything different right at the moment. Maybe soon. I feel like my boat is precariously tipping and I'm about to be submerged. I'm not sure it would be worth seeking the surface again.

I know I sound stupid.

It's just where I'm at right now. A bit confused. A lot lonely (mostly of my own making). Unable to change things. Easily scared.

I miss them both. Very much. I just don't know how to grieve right, I guess.

This is my sister. Not the best photo, I know. She'd had a stroke, so she had that look. She looked beautiful in her casket though. That sounds crazy, but it was true. She looked peaceful, and painless. She held a sign that said "Return to Sender". What a sense of humor. She knew. I didn't believe her.

The horses are still in their boxes. I can't bring myself to open them. I feel like maybe I can do it, then I chicken out. I wish I was stronger. I'm scared my blue dish will be in one of those boxes. I don't want it back. I was supposed to visit to get it.

This is just stupid. So stupid. I can still hear him telling me. I just kept saying "What?". It doesn't feel anymore real today than it did then.

Excuse my random thought process. It's pretty much how my brain is working right now.