2 years

Two years ago today, I watched a nurse take down the medications that helped my dad live, and put up a bag of Morphine to help him die. He wasn't aware. We made the decision for him. That was his wish though. We all knew it was time.

So many people huddled in the ICU room. The priest reading scripture. Everyone just waiting. He laid motionless...but breathing.

It was the most excruciating thing I've ever experienced.

Next morning, he was up eating breakfast. We all were thinking we had been wrong to take him off his meds and start the Morphine. The doctors talked with my dad, who was now fully aware, and he said he was ready. That this was what he wanted. He was done being in constant pain. He was done.

My sister Lynn would call every morning with the "Morning report" to let me know what the status was. Every morning that passed that she said "He's still here" we laughed harder. It was crazy.

We all got to talk with dad. He lived for 13 days on hospice.

I cannot tell you how many times I left his side believing it would be my last time. Saying "goodbye, I love you daddy" and thinking I'd never have the chance again.

It was one hell of a two week period for everyone as he slowly dwindled into death.

How hard it was to request the Morphine be bumped up again.
How hard it was to watch the nurses believe we wanted to kill him faster. Not believing he was in pain.

We knew my daddy.

It wasn't until he forced the words "ALWAYS IN PAIN" out, that they even believed us.

Bastards.

He was finally moved to a hospice facility a couple days before he died. The hospital nurses just didn't understand.

Hospice was amazing.

I never saw him there. I'd said one too many "goodbyes" and I just couldn't go anymore. I know he understood. It was only two days.

I sent messages through my sister. I know he got them.

My daddy never gave up. That was important to him. I believe he suffered SO long because he believed that we weren't ready.

Hell, I'm still not ready for him to be gone. But, I wouldn't trade one more minute with him here, for the pain he endured for me.


Daddy,

I miss you everyday. I can hear your laugh. I can see your smile. I am still your babydoll.
You are my heart.

I miss you terribly, today and every day.

I love you,

Bess