I've been lame. I know. Truth is, this time of year is crazy weird for me. New schedules, new stresses, old memories.
I'm trying to focus on the bests. On the kids doing well. On the positive things around me. There are many positives.
Some days it's just harder than others.
With the anniversary of Lori's death just a couple weeks ago, the anniversary of my dad's death now looms over me.
My birthday is hard.
I dreamed the other night that my dad couldn't come to my birthday and I was so sad.
He's connected SO strongly with it for me.
He was put on hospice only a few days prior to my 38th birthday. I was sure he wouldn't allow himself to die on my birthday. I was right. So, on that day, lacking the energy to bake, I went to Giant Eagle and bought myself a cake.
I took it to the hospital with plates and forks to celebrate, what I knew would be, my last birthday with my daddy.
He was weak but 100% aware and was able to celebrate with me.
I got to feed him cake.
It was an honor to share that day with him. I can't even tell you who else was in the room. I know my mom was there.
It really didn't matter. I just knew that I had an opportunity to hate my birthday forever, or make the day as special as possible by letting it be good, in spite of the knowledge that he'd be gone soon.
He died on the 30th. Two years ago.
I miss him more than I can even describe.
I know he's with me. There are days, like today, that I'd almost do anything to hear his voice or hear him call me "Bess" or "toots" again.
Daddys are something so incredibly special. But, anyone who knew him would have no problem telling you, he was beyond special. He was amazing.
I'll miss him forever.
♥
2 comments:
You were so very blessed to have a special Daddy. Those are a rare breed. I lost my Daddy when I was 19 and I thought at the time it was the greatest pain I would ever know. Of course, it wasn't, but it's still there. The void was never filled and I think of so many things I wish I could have shared with him, especially the girls. Now though, somehow, there's comfort in knowing he is getting to know Michelle and always watching over all of us. You are in my thoughts and prayers and I hope this anniversary and your birthday will have a special blessing that you will know came for your Daddy.
Leslie, dear, I can see now just how hard this time of year is for you. I wish I could take away the sad parts and just wrap up all the happiness into a ginormous box and put a big fat beautiful bow on top for you. I did get you a little present, though. I'll wrap it up and put a medium-sized bow on it. And I'll deliver it to you with a smile and some trite comment about how you don't look a day over 15. :) :) :) We'll be here for you, to hold you when you're down and make you smile when you're ready to laugh. I'll cuss you out if you need me to. That's what friends are for. :)
Post a Comment