That's what Alex just called me. He's been yelling at me for a good 15 minutes or so. He wants to know why I forced his dad to leave. He wants us to all live in the same house together again. He doesn't want to hear it's not going to happen.
"Dad is the good parent. He buys us everything. You are almost BROKE and he has ALL kinds of money because he lives with his parents!!!" "I want to live with dad because you only get us a little bit of stuff and he gets us everything!" "You made dad leave! It's your fault, mom."
I don't want to take these things personally but I'd be lying if I said they don't sting. I know his little brain is struggling with understanding such an adult situation.
"It doesn't matter if dad wants to drink, I like him better."
I just spent another half an hour talking with him. There is a part of me that is honored that he'll take this out on me. There is a theory, that you fight hardest with the people you trust the most to not leave you. Sort of the proverbial "you always hurt the ones you love".
It's hard to hear him saying that he loves dad better. That dad is awesome. That dad is the best parent.
Part of that comes from an innocence that I don't want to shatter...and I won't.
We played a game while we talked. We talked about "good things and bad things". We discussed that most things have both. Some things about mom are good. Some are bad. Some things about dad are good. Some things are bad. BOTH mom & dad LOVE him...no matter what. He is allowed to love BOTH of us...no matter what.
So, my stomach hurts. But, with each new situation this divorce brings, I remember more about the mom I was. The mom I always wanted to be. The mom I'd lost in the "referee mode" of my marriage. I was in constant damage control/protective actions mode.
Now, I'm "Mom". I can talk how I want. I can take them where I want. I can excuse things he didn't. I can make my own rules for them. I LOVE this opportunity. I hate the way it's come about, but I am thankful that I get to be the parent I wanted to be now.
I love my sons with all of my heart. I'm not trying to pretend that I'm not ever a "big jerk". I just want to be the best "big jerk" I can be...and I feel I'm well on my way.
2 comments:
Oh my. It must be heart rending to hear those words. He is a wonderful boy who is struggling in his small body and mind to deal with big people ideas and issues.
Bless you for not going there and making it a bad influence. One day there will be a time and a place for that discussion to take place. Until then.......
Stay the course.
We know it's not easy and a daily (sometimes hourly) struggle. You are not in a competition anymore. You are the guiding influence in your kids' lives. Right now you may stumble and we are there for you. To some degree your boys are there also to help. As they mature into the strong men that I know they will be, they will fill a role in your life that has been influenced, guided, and shaped by you and what you believe.
Stay the course.
Gosh, Eaglescout. You said exactly what I wanted to say. You Big Jerk.
REally, being the big jerk can't be so bad when you look at it from your beautiful perspective. I like that this is your opportunity to be the mom you are meant to be. God's timing is weird to us, certainly not easy, but perfect to him. As ES said, stay the course. You're taking it one day at a time, three boys at a time, and making the best of it. One day, Alex will remember your unconditional love, not the toys you bought him.
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