Between the kids being off because of weather, AWANA being canceled, and being officially served my divorce papers today, it's been a horribly long day.
I've accomplished nothing except keeping from losing it completely in front of the boys.
I feel as though the rug is being pulled from underneath me. That the ground is crumbling. I know people tell me that I have a choice about how I'm dealing. Honestly, I don't believe that I do.
I HAVE to be the one to take care of the boys 24/7. I HAVE to be the one who helps every night with homework. I HAVE to be the one to make sure they have meals...with a dwindling budget. I HAVE to be the one to look into programs and counseling for them. I HAVE to be the one to ensure they have clean clothing every day. I HAVE to get a full time job in addition.
I have no choices at this time.
They've already been rocked. I will NOT be the one who pulls out their rug...who crumbles their ground.
So, I have papers now. I have an accident claim to deal with. I have a lawyer to visit. I have bills to pay with less money than I need. I have grocery shopping to do. I have laundry to wash. I have meals to make.
Surprisingly, the accident and lawyer are the only parts I didn't already do.
It's the dealing with the continuing questions from my boys. It's the extra time and hugs I'm trying to provide. It's the concern that I won't be able to pay the water bill this month. It's the worry that I will have to take my sons from their home because of this.
I'm doing my best.
I'm hanging from my fingernails.
My sons are my priority and I have to change everything they are comfortable with to make a home for them.
I'm bitter about that.
But, when this is all said and done, when the papers are all signed. When I succeed at creating a place for my sons that doesn't involve screaming and violence, THAT is when I'll know that I succeeded.
3 comments:
Oh hon, I hate this for you and the boys. I absolutely hate this. And when I said you did have a choice, I meant simply, that you could have been the one to CHOOSE to walk out. But you didn't. You are there now. You are putting it back together, lego brick by lego brick. And when all those legos were spilled out of the box a few days ago, they looked like a mess. And when they are all put together, they will make a wonderful, new creation you could never have envisioned. We are praying hard for you and the kids. Know that. Know that we are HERE and we've made the choice to support you however we can.
Wendi, PLEASE do not think I'm angry with you in any way. I am having a horrible day. I just feel like, when I said I was having kids, that I chose then to be the parent. I cannot and will not change that now. That's what I mean when I say I have no choice. I have not always made the best decisions by my sons. I'm not the model mom by any stretch. I just know now, that my priority is unquestionable and feels completely out of my hands.
God will provide - Never fear that!
Post a Comment