well

In true form, I find out news a week or so after it happens in my family. I'm the resident outcast because I can't be out there helping with my mom. I also don't call very regularly. They all don't seem to realize that the phone works both ways. I don't have the strength do deal with much more than I'm already surviving right now. Not like a damn one of them helps me out either.

Nevertheless, I found out tonight, that my mom had another further collapse of her brain blood vessels. Basically she's had more strokes. She suffers from small vessel disease which makes this likely to continue...and it has over the years since her first occurrence. She'd already lost the use of her right arm, and had diminished use of her legs. Speech and memory had been slightly affected, but not significantly.

I learned tonight, that she suffered further damage. She can barely speak and has huge issues with her memory now.

Seems this happened over a week ago and no one bothered to tell me. Thanks all.

I was just up there a couple of weeks ago for my nephew's fiance's wedding shower. It's not like I'm totally ignoring the family. I don't understand why they totally ignore me.

Mom chose to not see a doctor regarding the new issues and damages. In all honesty, she's wanted to die since my dad died a few years ago. I don't blame her.

It's not easy to kiss everyone's ass for information or beg for my family to give a shit. I have so much on my plate anymore and I make choices based on priority and necessity. Luckily, that seems to make me the favorite family outcast.

I don't see how that gives anyone the right to pretend that I don't deserve to know that something significant happened.

Such is my family though. Punishment and guilt trips abound.

So, one more thing to deal with and try to endure/tolerate/understand/come to peace with.

Hell, I've basically given up looking for answers in my life. Not for the real things. I get tired of begging and seeking and feeling more and more lost all the time.

Thanks to all the friends who support and love me every day...

oh wait...

there aren't any of those either.

nevermind